xairea

a multi-faceted onion

i mean aren't onions by default, multi-faceted? having many layers? whatever you wanna call it.

whichever way i put it, you are such an onion to me.

layer 1: on one hand, you can't handle serious conversations – you run when the going gets tough. your replies can range from 2 days – a week when having tough conversations. dammit, you're so avoidant.

layer 2: at the same time, your grandma just died. so i'm not allowed to judge you. i'm supposed to understand that your reaction to a death is probably 1000x different than mine. you're probably closing yourself off, isolating yourself, not wanting to handle additional layers of heavy communication/effort ... like with our friendship.

layer 3: your lack of effort hurts sometimes. i don't get any messages on when you'll be back, you disappear, you don't reassure me, you basically can't give me my needs. but you used to be able to. we used to have fun playing together. things were just fine and fucking dandy. so what happened?

layer 4: your acts of service. out of all the advice + input i've gotten from people, the one thing i can't deny is that you do try. maybe i don't get the sweetest paragraphs from you. maybe your communication is dogshit. but you make playlists for me. you say gm to me. you play valorant with me. you watch twilight with me. you play overcooked2 with me. you watch impractical jokers with me. you do a lot for me... and i recognized the other day that this is referred to as acts of service. and you snap me, even when we don't talk. it's nice to know that i'm in your head.

layer 5: trauma. boy oh boy do you have trauma. how do i count the ways. your response to your assumption of me deleting you, your response to making a joke about my pills, your stubbornness towards proper communication towards me, the way you only prioritize yourself when it comes to a simple ask like exchanging postcards, the way you won't open up about your life. i theorize it's because of your 3-year bpd ex, that definitely fucked you up real good i assume. just sucks that you never got proper help over that, unpacked that, embraced that, and learned from it. i'm getting the punishment from your trauma, which affects my life and sends me spiraling downhill. still, i love you, and i hope to work these things out with you until i physically can't anymore.

a date... with someone who isn't you?

fucking hell. someone on hinge asked me on a date.

all i could do is panic. because they aren't you. THEY AREN'T YOU. this person isn't you and i have no idea how i'm supposed to go on a date with someone who isn't josh. i'm panicking. how the fuck could i ever get over you?

you drilled your way into my heart from all of january – now. how am i supposed to go on a date with someone when you and i still have so many more memories to create together.

• what about all the times we played valorant together?
• what about all the laughs we had over my stupid jokes where you told me, “you proud of that one?”
• what about when we watched impractical jokers?
• what about when we played overcooked 2 together?
• what about when i shared my deepest traumas with you?
• what about when you cheered me up while i was in california?
• what about when you facetime me?
• what about when you show me meowgi?

i'm gonna cry again. how am i supposed to go on a date with someone who isn't you. my heart belongs to you. what the fuck am i supposed to do.

will you come back?

and what's going to happen if you do? will it be awkward? will you apologize? will i apologize? will we go back to normal? have i scared you off for good? do you even want to come back? are you done with me? will you finally leave despite saying you wouldn't?

i think i want to apologize for my harshness, even though there's nothing wrong with being assertive in boundaries. i love you and wish i was kinder about it, because being harsh with the person i love doesn't make me happy. maybe reassure you i still feel strongly about you. reassure you we can work through this.

all i do, though, is keep giving. are you going to give anything when you return? will i ever get anything back? the disparity between what we put into this friendship is uneven. it's 75/25. it hurts a lot, and i think i'm starting to get drained as i spend each day crying. all of this could be avoided if you just communicated, and you don't want to. not even a slight reassurance. i love you so fucking much, josh. i do. and it hurts everyday. i can't give up on you. i can't. but how much pain can i keep putting myself through? i miss receiving texts from you so much, but you had to know how much our friendship has been killing me. even though it pushed you so much farther away, i'm ultimately glad i voiced how i felt about your lack of communication and proud i stood up for myself in defending my boundaries against you. i need to try my VERY best to not discredit myself for standing up for myself. it was probably the kindest thing i've done to myself all week... just at the cost of pushing you away. kindness to myself = pain, if it means losing you.

i wonder how it's going right now. you said you were trying to make plans. and i know you're going to try and work with your dad tomorrow to make some $$. i feel sad money is tight for you, i wish i could help. sometimes i think you don't want my help, that is, through forms of support. i guess you just bottle stuff up like that, i get it. i mean i don't because i don't bottle up. i communicate. you should try doing that too, because i know we'd be better for it. i wish you knew how much i loved you. i try and show it, maybe i could do a better job? idk. writing all of this out has been super therapeutic though.

the worst things you've done to me

• made a joke about me taking pills
• ghosted me for 5 days

didn't apologize for ghosting me

• ghosted me, again, when communication about boundaries was brought into the equation
• disregard the postcard idea because it wasn't convenient for you
• characterized me as someone you didn't want to do that “bpd up and down shit” with
• failed to validate me at all when i sent uncropped
• fail to reassure me in general

fail to reassure me of your feelings fail to reassure me we can play another time when you cancel/rain check

• fail to take my feelings into consideration regarding most communication

you don't think there's stock in reassurance despite me explaining my brain is wired differently

i wish

i wish you asked if i was okay when i took the pills.

i wish you gave actual apologies when you do something wrong – the way i always try to do when i cross your boundaries.

i wish you would tell me your favorite games/movies/interests so we could explore them, together.

i wish you wouldn't run away when things get tough, but take the time to talk to me – because i'm always on your team.

i wish you would take an hour out of your day, where all you do is bedrot, to exchange a postcard with me, because i told you how it means the world to me.

i wish you gave me little compliments and praises whenever i share parts of my life with you.

i wish you show me love when i send selfies the way i do with you.

i wish you made me feel secure.

i wish you made me feel wanted.

i wish you made me feel enough.

i wish you asked me to send more food pictures the way i do with you.

i wish you took the thought of you coming to montreal to visit me seriously + tried to plan it out with me.

i wish you shared more parts of your life with me.

i wish you showed me the sweetwater bog comic you made with your friend where i was featured in it as the montreal girl.

i wish i could make you happier.

i wish i could stop scaring you off.

i wish you asked if i was okay now, because of you – i'm not.

and after all of this, i still love you.

crossing boundaries

i guess we both crossed each other's boundaries, huh? for starters, i asked you to communicate when you disappear. that is something you've still failed to do, even to this day. you felt disrespected because you assumed i wanted you to disclose your grandma's death to me. i didn't. i don't. i never asked for that.

what i wanted was for you to give me a heads up when you begin to disappear for days on end. why do you think that is? because after valentine's day, i got ghosted for 5 days for something that wasn't even my fault. do you know that it still feels like you don't actually care that you did that to me? about how you don't care about how much traumatization you put me through with all of that? i put my fucking all into our friendship. i give you SO much of me. so much love, attention, care, patience, understanding, fuck. i give you everything. it still doesn't feel like enough for you. enough for you to finally treat me the way i deserve. am i not good enough for that? do you know how excruciating pain is of losing my person over something that wasn't my fault still haunts me, you know? my friends constantly laugh at me for wishing for the bare minimum, but i really wish i got a more heartfelt apology from you.

i crossed your boundary by making you feel like you had to disclose your grandma's death to me.

you crossed MY boundary when you brought up the pills. i mean, tell me you don't care without actually saying you don't care much? do you know that pill shit happened because you failed to respect me as a person?? assumed the worst of me? failed to communicate? you claimed that day happened because deleting = not caring about the friendship. what the fuck about you then? clearly it may just be YOU that doesn't care if you're so quick to jump to conclusions and drop the friendship.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU. i still can't believe that day happened. i'm STILL in disbelief you could've ever thought so low of me. i don't know what the fuck to do, or how the fuck to show you, just how much i love you. when the going gets tough, you run. and i stay. i stay where i am, waiting for you to come back so that we can resume our journey together.

what do i do at this point? all we do is fight. all i do is cry. all you do is avoid. it hurts so much. please stop making it hurt please. please. it hurts.

space is overrated‼️ 🚀🪐

it's now been 5 days of giving you space. that's what everyone told me to do, anyway. because you ghosted me, and although you added us (angie & i) back, doing anything else would push you farther away. but you know what? i don't like that approach anymore. amongst many other (failed) coping mechanisms, i've been looking up what to do when you've been ghosted by your person. how to cope with the heart shattering pain of it all, because i was sick & tired of crying my eyes out. while not bad advice by any means, and arguably the correct approach in most cases – most pieces of advice discussed taking action towards reclaiming feelings of empowerment & self-worth. that is, to “thank the universe this person showed their true colours and exited your life in a cowardly fashion. now you can move on and be a girlboss!” except no, i can't do that right now. that was my thought for every single piece of “empowerment” advice i read along the way. i can't let go of josh right now.

with that being said, my hypothesis with the next steps will be as follows:

until i've exhausted every effort to restore our friendship, our friendship still has a chance to be saved.

actually, according to chatGPT, a hypothesis needs to be framed in a more “scientific way”. 🙄 i guess a business student like me wouldn't understand. so here's a “real” hypothesis:

if i actively communicate with josh to address any misunderstandings and demonstrate my commitment to repairing our friendship through sincere apologies and efforts to rebuild trust, then there is a higher likelihood that our friendship will be successfully restored.

so as stated in both hypotheses, i really do believe that i have an effort to save this friendship by putting in more effort. here's the plan i had in mind for the approach i would take when messaging you for the first time on the 20th:

◇ start off by saying “hi. while everyone wanted me to give you space, I need to approach this the Irene way. 5 days of giving you space was 5 days I wasted not winning you back.” ◇ apologize for taking him for granted + thanking him for everything he’s done for me + assure him moving forward im going to respect his boundaries, be more grateful and ask him to play things he dislikes less(?) ◇ bring up how there’s so much left for us to do: bd pt2, sons, eventual civ multiplayer sesh, me to finish gantz ◇ express how im going to do my best to win you back. that i still want you in my life & that im going to continue sharing updates about what’s been going on with me – because i want you to know about my life and hopefully still be in it. ◇ share: therapy, Kenny, attempting to make friends on Bumble BFF, going to try a new pork belly recipe, the new playlist, the blog ◇ “we can talk about the serious stuff later. for now this is what i wanted to share and even if you say nothing back to me – I’ll be back tomorrow with more updates.” ◇ “good luck getting rid of me. I wasted 5 days waiting around and that stops now. you’re too important for me to give up on, so until I’ve done everything I possibly can, I’m fighting to keep you in my life.”

contrastingly, i do not believe that waiting around for 5 days was the right approach, even if there was a possibility you just needed more time. i always told myself that if i just sit back & wait around for things, they won't come to me. why would this be any different? with this plan in motion, there's no doubt about it, i'm ready to get hurt again. i don't know if this is going to be the right approach, or if it'll even work, but this beats sitting back + crying every single night – wondering if/when you're coming back.

until i've exhausted every effort possible, i'm not letting you go out of my life yet.

as for you doing me dirty by ghosting me, or me doing you dirty by potentially taking you for granted – there's probably a thousand possibilities as to why this all happened in the first place. you probably know more of them than i do. but the blame game/serious talk can happen later. for now, i have a best friend to try and win back.

(will preface this by saying this will be an embarrassing read to put out if you did end up hanging up on her – but fuck it, i'm a heart-on-my-sleeve type of girl and i am putting this out there.).

angie and i are scheming.

the entire time she's ever been in contact with you – has had to do with me. your disappearance in my life wasn't an exception to this. she's had to hear me scream, cry, wail, complain, question, and beg for any & all-things-josh.

“angie, why am i not lovable?” “angie, what did i do wrong?” “angie, if we do xyz, do you think he'll reply?” “angie, did he add you back again?”

and i cannot forget the world famous:

“angie, do you think he's coming back?” (she's heard this one over 50 times a day).

with great initial resistance from angie, i talked her into calling you tomorrow. i did a shitty thing and gave you her number. however, in times of desperation and sorrow, it is fair to also state that i'm not in a state of mind to think ethically and rationally. all i want is my best friend back. surely that makes this less horrible... right?

we theorized ways about how the conversation should go.

irene: so what are you going to say to him? angie: “hi josh, this is angie! irene gave you my number, how are you?” irene: are you crazy? the moment he hears my name, he's going to hang up. you also can't leave it open-ended with a question because he will also most likely hang up! instead, tell him the reason you're calling & try to ask about him. angie: siiigh ok.

and so we began scheming. she has your number + we plan to call you tomorrow at 6:30pm... my time? 5:30pm yours/angie's. the goal is that you pick-up and have a conversation with her. ideally. in an ideal world that is what would happen. realistically though? i know you're going to hang up and perhaps resent me.

if the call ends with you hanging up on angie, i've decided on something. i'm going to continue giving you updates on my life – even if i'm left with radio silence. is this pathetic of me? absolutely. especially since you've given me more signs than not that you don't care much about being in my life anymore. but it's easier said than done to just give you up. to give up texting you. to give up updating you. to give up caring about you. and to give up loving you. i want you to know about kenny, my therapist, the new (if any......) friends i make, my gym journey, the stupid recipes i conjure up, and any other positive endeavors i encounter during my time in montreal.

perhaps i should've just been happy with the fact that you added me back. i should've. but i wasn't. i cried all day and questioned where you were – when you already added me back. i still ask myself, “why am i sad if he added me, we're fine right?” i don't think we're fine. despite ALL odds against me, i hope you do end up talking to angie. i miss you so much.

btw, i made you a new playlist. i hope to send it to you if the time ever comes. your original one is outdated. this one is more heartbreaking, i suppose.

it's day 4 of when you ghosted me out of nowhere.

you added me back yesterday (day 3) on snapchat & discord, but all you said was a stupid, vague response, “you ahve some nerve,” rather than addressing the fact that you disappeared + deleted me.

i still wish i knew why you did it, but i have to start learning how to come to terms with the fact that i might not get that answer. you might not have the courage or maturity to ever fully address what you did, or why you did it. but i'm hoping you do. because it still hurts. and because i still care about fixing our friendship.

there's so many things i want to write about you after you left; the fact that you were selfish, you treated our friendship like it meant nothing to you, and the fact that you lied to me (i won't leave, i like you a lot, etc.).

but if i look at things from a grounded perspective, it's hard to believe you truly never cared. after all, the same day you left is also the same day you played 3 games of valorant + watched breaking dawn pt. 1 with me. days before that, we also played valorant. days before that, we played overcooked. from the moment we began talking, you played the finals with me. overall, you sacrificed a lot of your interests to play the games i wanted to play. whenever i wanted time with you, you found a way to make it work. you really tried. as much as the pain you've caused me these past 4 days has killed me, i can't in good faith say you never cared.

but with my broken heart, it does feel like that.

maybe all along you were becoming more resentful of me. the thing is, i tried to ask you multiple times if i was too clingy, if you liked me, and if you wanted to play games you wanted instead. i wish you were honest, because you constantly encouraged me to just be myself... all for you to eventually disappear. surely some of that had to be a lie right? i wish you knew that had you told me to tone it down, or that you wanted more alone time, i would've respected that. you mean so much to me and it's like you forgot that fact when you decided to run away...

keep reading below if you want to know what i did when you were gone. i'm laying it all out and this won't be pretty.

day 1: the beginning of my heart breaking. ◇ i took 20 pills of melatonin. my body had 100mg of melatonin running inside of me. all i wanted to do was sleep because you were gone. because you wouldn't reply. because i was so sad. because i wanted to die. i took maybe 7 naps that day and woke up to radio silence from you each time. i wish i took an extra 20 more. ◇ endless crying and screaming, full on bawling and sobbing every hour – constantly screaming, “why wasn't i good enough? why did he leave? what did i do wrong?” on the phone to my friends. although not productive, we had a thousand theories as to why you left and weighing the odds together on whether you would return. everyone was confident you would, but a small & scary part of me had doubts. (update for past irene: he did come back, just without answers or a proper explanation).

day 2: another day without you wasn't any easier. fucking harder in fact. ◇ took 5 more pills. the total count is now at 25, but who's counting when i shove a bunch of pills in my hand and stick them down my mouth? ◇ another day of endless crying and screaming, full on bawling and sobbing every hour – constantly screaming, “why wasn't i good enough? why did he leave? what did i do wrong?” on the phone to my friends. my poor friends having to deal with me crying over some white man in buttfuck illinois who disposed of me like i was nothing. ◇ i almost messaged your sister. yeah, you read that right. i almost messaged anney. i didn't know if you were okay, i didn't know if something happened, and i thought if i reached out to your sister that i'd at least hear something back. don't worry, i had multiple people talk me out of doing this. doesn't change the fact that i almost did or wanted to, though. ◇ i deleted discord that night. the same night you decided to add me back. funny timing isn't it? it's like the universe wants us to split our paths, but i'm still stubborn and would always choose you.

you broke my heart the day you left. you really did. i had radio silence from you & our last conversation wasn't even about any specific conflict. you left me with nothing and that was so unfair to me. will you ever tell me what happened that day? don't i deserve to know why you don't talk to me anymore?