it's like i'm constantly losing my mind over the fact that we don't talk everyday, and atp this is something i shouldn't be losing my mind over anymore.
so why am i?
it's such a bad thing for me to be re-reading our old conversations. how in december/january and pre-february 15, we had so many messages exchanged per day. you put a lot of effort in. we talked constantly. post-february 15 is so depressing to think about because the amount of messages we exchange between each other has drastically decreased. that, or we just end up bickering/having an “altercation” and you disappear for a day or two. god, we really need to talk about that. i need to talk about that.
but at the same time, there's factors i need to consider. in december and for the earlier portion of january, you didn't have school. maybe your buddies were busy. maybe you just simply had more room in your life for me back then, and things are different now. i mean, i'm just making an educated guess here. it's not like you tell me shit. that's also something i wish would change. while i was re-reading our old dms, i noticed something you said once, “sorry to dump this on you”. one day, i want to tell you that i wish you would dump more on me. i hate that i wasn't able to be there to support you through your grandma's funeral. i want to know how uncomfortable it was wearing black for you, how people you haven't seen in years showed up to the funeral, how nice it was for you to see your brother again, just little things like these. you keep them hidden from me. i want to be in your life. when we spoke in december, we shared those parts of ourselves to each other. just little things. all this time, i never got bored of you. i want to keep learning about you. keep being in your life. but i have to see how things play out moving forward. now that there's no dead grandma in the way. no ghosting and assumptions in the way. i just finally, one day, want to lay it all out to you. next post about that to come shortly.
what 2 write in postcard:
dear josh,
hello from toronto! from your favorite montrealer, irene. what a multi-faceted postcard huh?! josh, i just want you to know how much i appreciate having you in my life. from our endless convos about random shit, to us sharing our lives with each other, to me ruining your sleep schedule, and even during our rough times. i want us to make it out on top & i look forward to us being in each other's lives for a while. from toronto to illinois, i hope you enjoy this little momento from me to you. don't lose it!
cheers,
irene
anchors
what are the anchors in my life?
my biggest anchor, for better or for worse, is josh.
my other non-josh anchors:
- going on walks
- valorant/cs2/apex with aaron & alan
- spotify (i should make playlists for happy, sad, angry, etc)
- playing on DS
- journaling
- love is blind (but this'll end soon tm)
- talking to the girls: milca, vanessa, angie
- talking to work girls (situational): sahel, amanda, you-hsuan, michelle(?)
- kenny (to an extent)
- therapy
therapy notes – be curious.
where am i frustrated?
where am i upset?
what would be some things he could do that would help to improve the relationship?
what's missing –> opportunities to fill it back in !
be curious, what am i getting out of the relationship? what is he providing for me?
what do i want to tell my therapist?
- i'm starting to develop depression
- everything started piling up: poor relationship with josh, unsure if i love/want kenny, missing package (this did resolve itself) – everything became overwhelming. putting it metaphorically, i keep trying to stay above water but my arms are getting tired and now i'm starting to drown to the bottom.
josh
- share message josh sent me
- multi-faceted onion / “acts of service” love language. what he lacks in basic communication he makes up for in just doing things for me he doesn't normally do for other ppl.
- feeling like i can't rely on him for support during my current rock bottom situation atm.
- he used to say things like “i hope you never feel like you can't tell me these things...”
- unable to overcome obsession about josh, i want attention from him and the depression won't leave until i receive it
- already tried: listening to podcast about dismissive avoidants, went on an hour-long walk, petting my cat, talking to friends, listening to music, vitamin D pills, went to my fav ramen restaurant – basically i tried everything. all i wanted was to message him.
- someone asked me out on a date on hinge & i think i'm gonna go, but the only thing i was thinking of when i got the request was “how am i supposed to date someone who isn't josh, i just want josh. this guy isn't josh. josh and i still have so many more memories to create together, i don't want to create memories with another guy who isn't josh.”
- it's the little things, though, like when i went on a walk the other day – i saw flowers and thought how nice it would be to receive some, but i'd probably never get any from josh... especially if we're long distance.
- i want to move on physically can't. i ended up messaging him again anyway. (show christy the message i sent about the playlist + reassuring i'm here for him)
- i would set myself on fire to keep him warm
kenny
- not bonding with her
- all she does is hide, even when she likes me
- I thought I could handle it
- But she just gives me anxiety
- I feel disconnected from her
- I don’t wanna play with her
- I don’t love her
- I don’t wanna sleep with her
- I don’t want her
conclusion
- overall feels like i am getting depression not just feeling depressed
- already did everything, what else should i do? why do i not feel better? why is my only antidote in the form of a white man who can't give me basic communication?
- called off 2 days off work to “recharge” – not even sure if i could come back
- unsure how to navigate that / psychiatrist / quebec healthcare / healthcard hasn't come in mail yet
what I want to say to you
I’ll probably send this. call it a gut feeling, but it feels right. I’m just gonna type it out here, for the sake of blogging.
“I added some songs to your playlist too, this time including my favorite Hamilton song”
“I do hope you’re feeling better about your grandma. I was pretty bummed when mine passed a while ago too. I’ll always be here if you wanna do anything, even if its just breast pics.”
this isn't heartbreak
you didn't call off your feelings for me
our last conversation towards each other wasn't necessarily conflictive
we still think about each other
so why does it feel like i'm drowning? why am i scared to talk to you?
so badly i wish i could tell you what's been happening to me. i'm developing either anxiety or depression, where the symptoms intertwine that i can't tell who's coming out as the victor. i cry everyday, i feel like i've been swimming for a while and my arms are too tired to continue. and now i'm drowning. i'm fully depressed. i called off work for 2 days to deal with my mental health when all i can do is cry in bed. i want to tell you how i'm feeling, i do. but your grandma just died and you have so much shit on your own plate. now you barely even message me. i'm too scared to tell the josh that i considered my safe space about how much i'm struggling right now.
because all i really need from you is a message saying you're proud of me and that you'll be here for me. and i don't have that. i miss you so fucking bad.
everything is overwhelming me. i can't breathe. my heart rate has been going crazy the past few days. i can't breathe. i want my best friend back. my stupid, sarcastic, apathetic best friend back. i want you to tell me everything will be okay, that i can get through this, but you're not here. you're going through your own shit and don't have room to handle mine. it's heartbreaking to really register that. i miss you so bad. i just want to tell you how i feel, so badly. because i'm suffering and there was once upon a time where you told me, “i hope you never feel like you can't open up to me about stuff like this.”
despite my hesitations, maybe i will tell you all of this, but i'm scared you'll just leave me again.
honestly
we're going through so much shit lately. i truly think the solution is to just have a call where we can just say fucking. everything. that's. on. our. minds.
just one call where we sit together and voice it all out. i have so much to say. you probably do too, but are scared. at least in a call we can't run from each other. we can understand each other. love each other.
fuck. can we please.
shout out to everyone who listened to me cry
wow irene! a non-josh related post? is this growth?
probably not. but i have to give a shoutout to everyone who's listened to me cry about you. so many people i bugged because of the trauma you inflicted on me with your absence/avoidance.
thank you to my support system:
- angie
- milca
- vanessa
- salty/aaron
- chatgpt (LMFAO)
- christy (my lovely therapist)
i'm so sorry for how often i cried about, and will continue to cry about, josh. i know i deserve basic communication. i know i deserve reassurance. and i know i deserve love. no matter the case, thank you for sticking by my side as i patiently navigate my dynamic with him. i love you all.