xairea

what do i want to tell my therapist?

• i'm starting to develop depression
• everything started piling up: poor relationship with josh, unsure if i love/want kenny, missing package (this did resolve itself) – everything became overwhelming. putting it metaphorically, i keep trying to stay above water but my arms are getting tired and now i'm starting to drown to the bottom.

josh

• share message josh sent me
• multi-faceted onion / “acts of service” love language. what he lacks in basic communication he makes up for in just doing things for me he doesn't normally do for other ppl.
• feeling like i can't rely on him for support during my current rock bottom situation atm.
• he used to say things like “i hope you never feel like you can't tell me these things...”
• unable to overcome obsession about josh, i want attention from him and the depression won't leave until i receive it
• already tried: listening to podcast about dismissive avoidants, went on an hour-long walk, petting my cat, talking to friends, listening to music, vitamin D pills, went to my fav ramen restaurant – basically i tried everything. all i wanted was to message him.
• someone asked me out on a date on hinge & i think i'm gonna go, but the only thing i was thinking of when i got the request was “how am i supposed to date someone who isn't josh, i just want josh. this guy isn't josh. josh and i still have so many more memories to create together, i don't want to create memories with another guy who isn't josh.”
• it's the little things, though, like when i went on a walk the other day – i saw flowers and thought how nice it would be to receive some, but i'd probably never get any from josh... especially if we're long distance.
• i want to move on physically can't. i ended up messaging him again anyway. (show christy the message i sent about the playlist + reassuring i'm here for him)
• i would set myself on fire to keep him warm

kenny

• not bonding with her
• all she does is hide, even when she likes me
• I thought I could handle it
• But she just gives me anxiety
• I feel disconnected from her
• I don’t wanna play with her
• I don’t love her
• I don’t wanna sleep with her
• I don’t want her

conclusion

• overall feels like i am getting depression not just feeling depressed
• already did everything, what else should i do? why do i not feel better? why is my only antidote in the form of a white man who can't give me basic communication?
• called off 2 days off work to “recharge” – not even sure if i could come back
• unsure how to navigate that / psychiatrist / quebec healthcare / healthcard hasn't come in mail yet

what I want to say to you

I’ll probably send this. call it a gut feeling, but it feels right. I’m just gonna type it out here, for the sake of blogging.

“I added some songs to your playlist too, this time including my favorite Hamilton song”

“I do hope you’re feeling better about your grandma. I was pretty bummed when mine passed a while ago too. I’ll always be here if you wanna do anything, even if its just breast pics.”

this isn't heartbreak

you didn't call off your feelings for me

our last conversation towards each other wasn't necessarily conflictive

we still think about each other

so why does it feel like i'm drowning? why am i scared to talk to you?

so badly i wish i could tell you what's been happening to me. i'm developing either anxiety or depression, where the symptoms intertwine that i can't tell who's coming out as the victor. i cry everyday, i feel like i've been swimming for a while and my arms are too tired to continue. and now i'm drowning. i'm fully depressed. i called off work for 2 days to deal with my mental health when all i can do is cry in bed. i want to tell you how i'm feeling, i do. but your grandma just died and you have so much shit on your own plate. now you barely even message me. i'm too scared to tell the josh that i considered my safe space about how much i'm struggling right now.

because all i really need from you is a message saying you're proud of me and that you'll be here for me. and i don't have that. i miss you so fucking bad.

everything is overwhelming me. i can't breathe. my heart rate has been going crazy the past few days. i can't breathe. i want my best friend back. my stupid, sarcastic, apathetic best friend back. i want you to tell me everything will be okay, that i can get through this, but you're not here. you're going through your own shit and don't have room to handle mine. it's heartbreaking to really register that. i miss you so bad. i just want to tell you how i feel, so badly. because i'm suffering and there was once upon a time where you told me, “i hope you never feel like you can't open up to me about stuff like this.”

despite my hesitations, maybe i will tell you all of this, but i'm scared you'll just leave me again.

honestly

we're going through so much shit lately. i truly think the solution is to just have a call where we can just say fucking. everything. that's. on. our. minds.

just one call where we sit together and voice it all out. i have so much to say. you probably do too, but are scared. at least in a call we can't run from each other. we can understand each other. love each other.

fuck. can we please.

shout out to everyone who listened to me cry

wow irene! a non-josh related post? is this growth?

probably not. but i have to give a shoutout to everyone who's listened to me cry about you. so many people i bugged because of the trauma you inflicted on me with your absence/avoidance.

thank you to my support system:

• angie
• milca
• vanessa
• salty/aaron
• chatgpt (LMFAO)
• christy (my lovely therapist)

i'm so sorry for how often i cried about, and will continue to cry about, josh. i know i deserve basic communication. i know i deserve reassurance. and i know i deserve love. no matter the case, thank you for sticking by my side as i patiently navigate my dynamic with him. i love you all.

a multi-faceted onion

i mean aren't onions by default, multi-faceted? having many layers? whatever you wanna call it.

whichever way i put it, you are such an onion to me.

layer 1: on one hand, you can't handle serious conversations – you run when the going gets tough. your replies can range from 2 days – a week when having tough conversations. dammit, you're so avoidant.

layer 2: at the same time, your grandma just died. so i'm not allowed to judge you. i'm supposed to understand that your reaction to a death is probably 1000x different than mine. you're probably closing yourself off, isolating yourself, not wanting to handle additional layers of heavy communication/effort ... like with our friendship.

layer 3: your lack of effort hurts sometimes. i don't get any messages on when you'll be back, you disappear, you don't reassure me, you basically can't give me my needs. but you used to be able to. we used to have fun playing together. things were just fine and fucking dandy. so what happened?

layer 4: your acts of service. out of all the advice + input i've gotten from people, the one thing i can't deny is that you do try. maybe i don't get the sweetest paragraphs from you. maybe your communication is dogshit. but you make playlists for me. you say gm to me. you play valorant with me. you watch twilight with me. you play overcooked2 with me. you watch impractical jokers with me. you do a lot for me... and i recognized the other day that this is referred to as acts of service. and you snap me, even when we don't talk. it's nice to know that i'm in your head.

layer 5: trauma. boy oh boy do you have trauma. how do i count the ways. your response to your assumption of me deleting you, your response to making a joke about my pills, your stubbornness towards proper communication towards me, the way you only prioritize yourself when it comes to a simple ask like exchanging postcards, the way you won't open up about your life. i theorize it's because of your 3-year bpd ex, that definitely fucked you up real good i assume. just sucks that you never got proper help over that, unpacked that, embraced that, and learned from it. i'm getting the punishment from your trauma, which affects my life and sends me spiraling downhill. still, i love you, and i hope to work these things out with you until i physically can't anymore.

a date... with someone who isn't you?

fucking hell. someone on hinge asked me on a date.

all i could do is panic. because they aren't you. THEY AREN'T YOU. this person isn't you and i have no idea how i'm supposed to go on a date with someone who isn't josh. i'm panicking. how the fuck could i ever get over you?

you drilled your way into my heart from all of january – now. how am i supposed to go on a date with someone when you and i still have so many more memories to create together.

• what about all the times we played valorant together?
• what about all the laughs we had over my stupid jokes where you told me, “you proud of that one?”
• what about when we watched impractical jokers?
• what about when we played overcooked 2 together?
• what about when i shared my deepest traumas with you?
• what about when you cheered me up while i was in california?
• what about when you facetime me?
• what about when you show me meowgi?

i'm gonna cry again. how am i supposed to go on a date with someone who isn't you. my heart belongs to you. what the fuck am i supposed to do.

will you come back?

and what's going to happen if you do? will it be awkward? will you apologize? will i apologize? will we go back to normal? have i scared you off for good? do you even want to come back? are you done with me? will you finally leave despite saying you wouldn't?

i think i want to apologize for my harshness, even though there's nothing wrong with being assertive in boundaries. i love you and wish i was kinder about it, because being harsh with the person i love doesn't make me happy. maybe reassure you i still feel strongly about you. reassure you we can work through this.

all i do, though, is keep giving. are you going to give anything when you return? will i ever get anything back? the disparity between what we put into this friendship is uneven. it's 75/25. it hurts a lot, and i think i'm starting to get drained as i spend each day crying. all of this could be avoided if you just communicated, and you don't want to. not even a slight reassurance. i love you so fucking much, josh. i do. and it hurts everyday. i can't give up on you. i can't. but how much pain can i keep putting myself through? i miss receiving texts from you so much, but you had to know how much our friendship has been killing me. even though it pushed you so much farther away, i'm ultimately glad i voiced how i felt about your lack of communication and proud i stood up for myself in defending my boundaries against you. i need to try my VERY best to not discredit myself for standing up for myself. it was probably the kindest thing i've done to myself all week... just at the cost of pushing you away. kindness to myself = pain, if it means losing you.

i wonder how it's going right now. you said you were trying to make plans. and i know you're going to try and work with your dad tomorrow to make some $$. i feel sad money is tight for you, i wish i could help. sometimes i think you don't want my help, that is, through forms of support. i guess you just bottle stuff up like that, i get it. i mean i don't because i don't bottle up. i communicate. you should try doing that too, because i know we'd be better for it. i wish you knew how much i loved you. i try and show it, maybe i could do a better job? idk. writing all of this out has been super therapeutic though.

the worst things you've done to me

• made a joke about me taking pills
• ghosted me for 5 days

didn't apologize for ghosting me

• ghosted me, again, when communication about boundaries was brought into the equation
• disregard the postcard idea because it wasn't convenient for you
• characterized me as someone you didn't want to do that “bpd up and down shit” with
• failed to validate me at all when i sent uncropped
• fail to reassure me in general

fail to reassure me of your feelings fail to reassure me we can play another time when you cancel/rain check

• fail to take my feelings into consideration regarding most communication

you don't think there's stock in reassurance despite me explaining my brain is wired differently

i wish

i wish you asked if i was okay when i took the pills.

i wish you gave actual apologies when you do something wrong – the way i always try to do when i cross your boundaries.

i wish you would tell me your favorite games/movies/interests so we could explore them, together.

i wish you wouldn't run away when things get tough, but take the time to talk to me – because i'm always on your team.

i wish you would take an hour out of your day, where all you do is bedrot, to exchange a postcard with me, because i told you how it means the world to me.

i wish you gave me little compliments and praises whenever i share parts of my life with you.

i wish you show me love when i send selfies the way i do with you.

i wish you made me feel secure.

i wish you made me feel wanted.

i wish you made me feel enough.

i wish you asked me to send more food pictures the way i do with you.

i wish you took the thought of you coming to montreal to visit me seriously + tried to plan it out with me.

i wish you shared more parts of your life with me.

i wish you showed me the sweetwater bog comic you made with your friend where i was featured in it as the montreal girl.

i wish i could make you happier.

i wish i could stop scaring you off.

i wish you asked if i was okay now, because of you – i'm not.

and after all of this, i still love you.