will you come back?
and what's going to happen if you do? will it be awkward? will you apologize? will i apologize? will we go back to normal? have i scared you off for good? do you even want to come back? are you done with me? will you finally leave despite saying you wouldn't?
i think i want to apologize for my harshness, even though there's nothing wrong with being assertive in boundaries. i love you and wish i was kinder about it, because being harsh with the person i love doesn't make me happy. maybe reassure you i still feel strongly about you. reassure you we can work through this.
all i do, though, is keep giving. are you going to give anything when you return? will i ever get anything back? the disparity between what we put into this friendship is uneven. it's 75/25. it hurts a lot, and i think i'm starting to get drained as i spend each day crying. all of this could be avoided if you just communicated, and you don't want to. not even a slight reassurance. i love you so fucking much, josh. i do. and it hurts everyday. i can't give up on you. i can't. but how much pain can i keep putting myself through? i miss receiving texts from you so much, but you had to know how much our friendship has been killing me. even though it pushed you so much farther away, i'm ultimately glad i voiced how i felt about your lack of communication and proud i stood up for myself in defending my boundaries against you. i need to try my VERY best to not discredit myself for standing up for myself. it was probably the kindest thing i've done to myself all week... just at the cost of pushing you away. kindness to myself = pain, if it means losing you.
i wonder how it's going right now. you said you were trying to make plans. and i know you're going to try and work with your dad tomorrow to make some $$. i feel sad money is tight for you, i wish i could help. sometimes i think you don't want my help, that is, through forms of support. i guess you just bottle stuff up like that, i get it. i mean i don't because i don't bottle up. i communicate. you should try doing that too, because i know we'd be better for it. i wish you knew how much i loved you. i try and show it, maybe i could do a better job? idk. writing all of this out has been super therapeutic though.