a multi-faceted onion
i mean aren't onions by default, multi-faceted? having many layers? whatever you wanna call it.
whichever way i put it, you are such an onion to me.
layer 1: on one hand, you can't handle serious conversations – you run when the going gets tough. your replies can range from 2 days – a week when having tough conversations. dammit, you're so avoidant.
layer 2: at the same time, your grandma just died. so i'm not allowed to judge you. i'm supposed to understand that your reaction to a death is probably 1000x different than mine. you're probably closing yourself off, isolating yourself, not wanting to handle additional layers of heavy communication/effort ... like with our friendship.
layer 3: your lack of effort hurts sometimes. i don't get any messages on when you'll be back, you disappear, you don't reassure me, you basically can't give me my needs. but you used to be able to. we used to have fun playing together. things were just fine and fucking dandy. so what happened?
layer 4: your acts of service. out of all the advice + input i've gotten from people, the one thing i can't deny is that you do try. maybe i don't get the sweetest paragraphs from you. maybe your communication is dogshit. but you make playlists for me. you say gm to me. you play valorant with me. you watch twilight with me. you play overcooked2 with me. you watch impractical jokers with me. you do a lot for me... and i recognized the other day that this is referred to as acts of service. and you snap me, even when we don't talk. it's nice to know that i'm in your head.
layer 5: trauma. boy oh boy do you have trauma. how do i count the ways. your response to your assumption of me deleting you, your response to making a joke about my pills, your stubbornness towards proper communication towards me, the way you only prioritize yourself when it comes to a simple ask like exchanging postcards, the way you won't open up about your life. i theorize it's because of your 3-year bpd ex, that definitely fucked you up real good i assume. just sucks that you never got proper help over that, unpacked that, embraced that, and learned from it. i'm getting the punishment from your trauma, which affects my life and sends me spiraling downhill. still, i love you, and i hope to work these things out with you until i physically can't anymore.