(will preface this by saying this will be an embarrassing read to put out if you did end up hanging up on her – but fuck it, i'm a heart-on-my-sleeve type of girl and i am putting this out there.).
angie and i are scheming.
the entire time she's ever been in contact with you – has had to do with me. your disappearance in my life wasn't an exception to this. she's had to hear me scream, cry, wail, complain, question, and beg for any & all-things-josh.
“angie, why am i not lovable?” “angie, what did i do wrong?” “angie, if we do xyz, do you think he'll reply?” “angie, did he add you back again?”
and i cannot forget the world famous:
“angie, do you think he's coming back?” (she's heard this one over 50 times a day).
with great initial resistance from angie, i talked her into calling you tomorrow. i did a shitty thing and gave you her number. however, in times of desperation and sorrow, it is fair to also state that i'm not in a state of mind to think ethically and rationally. all i want is my best friend back. surely that makes this less horrible... right?
we theorized ways about how the conversation should go.
irene: so what are you going to say to him? angie: “hi josh, this is angie! irene gave you my number, how are you?” irene: are you crazy? the moment he hears my name, he's going to hang up. you also can't leave it open-ended with a question because he will also most likely hang up! instead, tell him the reason you're calling & try to ask about him. angie: siiigh ok.
and so we began scheming. she has your number + we plan to call you tomorrow at 6:30pm... my time? 5:30pm yours/angie's. the goal is that you pick-up and have a conversation with her. ideally. in an ideal world that is what would happen. realistically though? i know you're going to hang up and perhaps resent me.
if the call ends with you hanging up on angie, i've decided on something. i'm going to continue giving you updates on my life – even if i'm left with radio silence. is this pathetic of me? absolutely. especially since you've given me more signs than not that you don't care much about being in my life anymore. but it's easier said than done to just give you up. to give up texting you. to give up updating you. to give up caring about you. and to give up loving you. i want you to know about kenny, my therapist, the new (if any......) friends i make, my gym journey, the stupid recipes i conjure up, and any other positive endeavors i encounter during my time in montreal.
perhaps i should've just been happy with the fact that you added me back. i should've. but i wasn't. i cried all day and questioned where you were – when you already added me back. i still ask myself, “why am i sad if he added me, we're fine right?” i don't think we're fine. despite ALL odds against me, i hope you do end up talking to angie. i miss you so much.
btw, i made you a new playlist. i hope to send it to you if the time ever comes. your original one is outdated. this one is more heartbreaking, i suppose.