it's day 4 of when you ghosted me out of nowhere.
you added me back yesterday (day 3) on snapchat & discord, but all you said was a stupid, vague response, “you ahve some nerve,” rather than addressing the fact that you disappeared + deleted me.
i still wish i knew why you did it, but i have to start learning how to come to terms with the fact that i might not get that answer. you might not have the courage or maturity to ever fully address what you did, or why you did it. but i'm hoping you do. because it still hurts. and because i still care about fixing our friendship.
there's so many things i want to write about you after you left; the fact that you were selfish, you treated our friendship like it meant nothing to you, and the fact that you lied to me (i won't leave, i like you a lot, etc.).
but if i look at things from a grounded perspective, it's hard to believe you truly never cared. after all, the same day you left is also the same day you played 3 games of valorant + watched breaking dawn pt. 1 with me. days before that, we also played valorant. days before that, we played overcooked. from the moment we began talking, you played the finals with me. overall, you sacrificed a lot of your interests to play the games i wanted to play. whenever i wanted time with you, you found a way to make it work. you really tried. as much as the pain you've caused me these past 4 days has killed me, i can't in good faith say you never cared.
but with my broken heart, it does feel like that.
maybe all along you were becoming more resentful of me. the thing is, i tried to ask you multiple times if i was too clingy, if you liked me, and if you wanted to play games you wanted instead. i wish you were honest, because you constantly encouraged me to just be myself... all for you to eventually disappear. surely some of that had to be a lie right? i wish you knew that had you told me to tone it down, or that you wanted more alone time, i would've respected that. you mean so much to me and it's like you forgot that fact when you decided to run away...
keep reading below if you want to know what i did when you were gone. i'm laying it all out and this won't be pretty.
day 1: the beginning of my heart breaking. ◇ i took 20 pills of melatonin. my body had 100mg of melatonin running inside of me. all i wanted to do was sleep because you were gone. because you wouldn't reply. because i was so sad. because i wanted to die. i took maybe 7 naps that day and woke up to radio silence from you each time. i wish i took an extra 20 more. ◇ endless crying and screaming, full on bawling and sobbing every hour – constantly screaming, “why wasn't i good enough? why did he leave? what did i do wrong?” on the phone to my friends. although not productive, we had a thousand theories as to why you left and weighing the odds together on whether you would return. everyone was confident you would, but a small & scary part of me had doubts. (update for past irene: he did come back, just without answers or a proper explanation).
day 2: another day without you wasn't any easier. fucking harder in fact. ◇ took 5 more pills. the total count is now at 25, but who's counting when i shove a bunch of pills in my hand and stick them down my mouth? ◇ another day of endless crying and screaming, full on bawling and sobbing every hour – constantly screaming, “why wasn't i good enough? why did he leave? what did i do wrong?” on the phone to my friends. my poor friends having to deal with me crying over some white man in buttfuck illinois who disposed of me like i was nothing. ◇ i almost messaged your sister. yeah, you read that right. i almost messaged anney. i didn't know if you were okay, i didn't know if something happened, and i thought if i reached out to your sister that i'd at least hear something back. don't worry, i had multiple people talk me out of doing this. doesn't change the fact that i almost did or wanted to, though. ◇ i deleted discord that night. the same night you decided to add me back. funny timing isn't it? it's like the universe wants us to split our paths, but i'm still stubborn and would always choose you.
you broke my heart the day you left. you really did. i had radio silence from you & our last conversation wasn't even about any specific conflict. you left me with nothing and that was so unfair to me. will you ever tell me what happened that day? don't i deserve to know why you don't talk to me anymore?