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5:30: it’s the Hour of the Murderous Crows

The bleak, March sunset, they descend blackly, Across the graveyard, filling up the bare trees Call and response, it’s time for our ritual Hola, hola, I saw a black bird speaking Spanish online And I saw one speak Russian as well, privyet! Crows gather in clouds overhead, soaring, rounding, landing Here to eat everything we’ve left, leave a feather with a spell for you, my dear.

The crow said there is no ethical war to wage Wage the murder of the hour, instead, overcome them War is failure of song and dance War is always for land and oil War is always disgusting, don’t look! Don’t look, The blood on the floor of schools, mosques, the rocket blast victims, close up, don’t look

Say they had bayonettes, which are nasty or trench warfare, busting out, machine guns to heaven or hell, collect my body Say they had swords and shields, on horses Say they had a viral disease to share Say they have poison, nerve gasses, Say they drop the big bombs

We kill the most efficiently the most horrifically, completely We “win,” caw caw
We draw the new boundaries We rule the sky, land, and water We shit in it We write it in history books Our country believes it

but others don’t, caw caw the roots of revenge are deeper than the roots of impulsive greed

A Very Particular Horror the funny glass of time

nostalgia is such a thing that the past is rosier, sweeter, better than it was

and it glosses over how hard it was the grayer side of ages

pain was so much worse than we let it be, looking back but go far enough away or ask people in another culture

what do you think of psychological torture that’s so mild, so insidious, so convincing that you become completely alone among your own kind you can't trust anyone, you are ashamed of your questions your own people treat you harshly, impatiently, try to rid themselves of you?
show them how everything looks pretty but people kill themselves by the dozens and kill each other even more, even faster, and there’s no brotherhood, no sisterhood, no family

there are no walks through a forest, collecting and discerning the most beautiful growth among us, the sun dappled leaves pure water running over the rocks, herds of animals roaming free to exist, buffalo not annhilated for white men’s amusement and sport. tell the people who’s foreign to our specialties, the relentless subjugation of everything female, the body, the spirit all dissected to be applied to the work machine, as parts of the machine working 14 hours a day, feeling despair upon waking each morning feeling grief that can’t be named, can’t even exist unnamed, so powerful so buried, so rooted with the trees of rage, that to be real and safe become incompatible. to survive is to conform and die inside but live out your days following rules, laws, directions, social, racial hierarchies, the merchant and petty-bourgoise class’s relentless disgust notwithstanding not affecting you personally. they hate me, but i must keep working for them or my babies will die. then they show you how they can kill your babies if they want to, for no reason at all, and no excuse afterward we are nothing to them, but we still do our lives, 9-5 and no more if we’re lucky. if we're women, then all of our labor in the home is rejected as meaningful, valuable, or worthy of recompense

then to live the horror but not be allowed to see it, say it, name it to be shunned and bullied when they see you don’t like it you don’t think cruelty is funny, you don’t admire them you pity them, and they’ll kill you for that without hesitation

is that someone anyone with freedom would choose? if they weren’t bound by it, like they didn’t attach that reality to “the reality,” because it’s such a bloody set of lies but the trinkets and bobbles, the benefits to classes higher than straight up poor, the pathetic Amazon delivered bribes, are too attractive to us. convenience is too valuable to America.

all this shit aristocrats invent and shove down our throats to make american lives more convenient and cut off from the reality of genocide and slavery, and we even think 'it’s not my fault, it has nothing to do with me,' then why such misery, fellow shipwrecks?

if ‘it’s not our fault,’ why rush to gorge on addictions, beg for hits, outsiders might say, they’re not living people.
being undead, dead, consumers, consumed isn’t this a viscious sort of experience? learning to hate your own body and view it as something the aristocracy owns to use and dispose, to pretend to agree to that, is the pain so not just the pain itself, but the song and dance for them.

Schizophrenic American Fantasy

days, months, years go by and no one kills the aristocrats

until we execute villains, our nation is kaput, invalid,

no constitution, no viable country it was all we really ever had

we gotta do this like the french and english,

like king charles how when they went to arrest him at his ranch was it pablo escobar?

or could be at the white house

the king was bored and angry in his castle all the peasants were starving and dead

charlie demanded, when knock knock, they came, ON WHOSE AUTHORITY DO YOU ARREST ME (moi?)

he wanted to know who had given the order who betrayed, who sold him out

but one of the arresting soldiers pointed a gun at his chin and said, “this is all the authority I need.”

and it was a sword, not a gun, right next they still held a trial for him good manners, fair game

then the guns sang, our gang banging our flag, well, the man’s time is up, it’s good riddance

the race

when someone is driving crazy on the highway i’m a little tempted to fuck w them like to race them

today a crazy driver cut me off by swerving into the left lane, where i was managing to ignore my broken window being stuck open and excited about getting home

i honked at him, party to say, Hello I’m here please don’t crash into me and party to say, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

So this driver was crazy AND petty because they slowed way down, to punish me for honking And their entire back window wasn’t there Shards of glass around the edges, like someone Shot it out, who knows? It was a banged up car I thought, maybe they’re running to/from something Criminal, like a murder, switching lanes every 10 seconds

i was obsessed with this car for at least a mile because i know this stretch of highway and it slows down before the bridge, so you have to be careful, but they kept switching lanes, not even getting that far and I wanted SO BADLY to pass them but I couldn’t get up there

So we went through the tunnel, and this driver SWITCHED LANES IN THE TUNNEL, big no no You stay in your lane in the tunnel

we parted ways on the bridge, but my attachment took a while to recede from the emotional space of my car

I got home in one piece but can’t roll the windows up because like I said they're broken, and I still owe about 4k on this stupid Nazi Chevrolet I wish it was the “roll up” type of window from the last century because then I bet it would be working Not a fucking button, what can you do with that?

Racist Trash

Yesterday, after lunch, according to our routine, my class was walking laps in the gym. There was a student there from another class who didn’t go to lunch because he was on the hamster wheel. Where he tries to run so hard and fast that he get’s beat up and killed Except we’re professionals who don’t take things personally plus, many cameras watch us work, this isn’t a natural setting.

So my kids are walking/running laps, and “Bobby” is targeting A black man, his staff person, who’s trying to tune it out. Bobby’s like, You fucking nigger, your mom’s a nigger bitch You’re a bitch, you’re a fucking pussy, you love to hurt kids You love putting your hands on little kids, you fucking nigger

So, coming around the bend, I say to him, STOP. MY KIDS ARE WALKING AND DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS RACIST TRASH.

He keeps going, ups it a little bit, getting closer to his staff, I walk another lap, I say, HE DOESN’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK With the tone of, if I could’ve spit at him, I would, Huk tuh! Miserable little brat, skinny piece of demented white trash, School shooter, red eyes, unwanted by anyone, almost 18.

Then we went into the room. One of my teammates said to The kids, Good job ignoring the negativity! I said, Well, I could not. I didn’t ignore it, so not me. No good job for me.

At the end of the day, I talked to his staff. That’s when I said to Ms. Robin, let them beat him up. Let them, let the kids beat him up. It won’t stop him But it will make them feel better, and they deserve that.

When they start chasing him around your classroom Let them catch him. Don’t call for support. Don’t call for an official restraint, the nurse, all that. Pretend you can only Move in slow motion. Don’t break it up, either. Let nature do it’s thing.

She said, We have to break up fights, we have to I said, lots of teachers try, and then it looks bad on camera And the school throws them to the wolves. You got in it. You got a black eye, from the kid getting beat up because they will turn their shame on you. Lots of kids are afraid of each other, but will assault their staff Because they know they’re safe with us, we won’t hit back.

Let that kid catch everything coming to him. People in this country work WAY too hard at protecting racists. These are black staff showing him this level of patience. For me, I’d be good if they cut the cameras off for ten minutes.

rap

NLE Choppa is my secret pleasure A young man who made 7 songs with the same name: Choppa Flow https://youtu.be/f9zkBcZZ-1Y He reminds me of Jerome, a kid I liked (locked up near Harrisburg now)

When I turn eleven I toted a felon My nigga was snake I knew I could smell it When I’m feeling threatened I turn into Melly, Free Melly! One pop we pop we never stop We spint the block till glock go pop pop pop heh heh

Melly was a rapper who killed his crew because he suspected they were informants When they put him on trial, his lawyer Supported an insanity plea, Arguing that “Melly” was an alternative personality And Melly still got locked up But not without garnishing sympathy From people who understand multiple personalities They are so real

Informants are so real Snitches are real Traitors and infidels are real And it comes with a certain smell

Were Melly’s boys really ops? Nobody could find out cuz he shot them In the car, in the backseat, smoke em all.

Anti-Panic Attack Mantra/Prayer/Medicine (repeat as needed) My cherry-picked favorite mantras from a sizeable collection used compulsively to function through over 20 years struggle and across statelines

I can imagine loving myself and others. Imagine others loving me, and each other

I can accept myself just like this, deeply in this moment, and Others can accept each other, too. Others can rest and accept, and so can I.

I can forgive myself just like this, Hellbound hellhound, and others, right now. Others can forgive each other, they’re allowed to.

I can relax exactly the way things are. I’m right where I’m supposed to be— time and place. We all are, we can be, if we wake up.

Imagine being good enough exactly like this, And others are good enough, right now, as is The way they are, the way all these things are.

It is okay to sit still in this moment and rest, or watch, or listen, or feel No feeling of obligation toward illustions.

Breaking Up Fights

At a couple schools, we (the staff) learned how to break up Fights. This is what you do: you need 4-5 people ready. Two people approach from opposite sides (assuming only 2 students are fighting). You grab their hips, and turn/walk them away from the fight, not pushing them but guiding them a distance.

Other schools said (different schools of training for special ed), We don’t break up fights unless it’s clearly unequal or child is getting jumped, so to speak. If it’s any type of natural CONSEQUENCES situation, or a matter of individualising a gender-coded pecking order, (among only males or female cliques/groups), let them fight.

Otherwise they’re going to bicker about it and disrupt everything with their anxiety, which isn’t fair to other people

Let them do it. If you break up a fight, usually, without the procedure I described, you end up restraining one of them Which makes the other student free to attack you both Which means you helped one of them get those extra licks And now they both hate you, and they turn against you Then you let go, having not helped the situation, and not safe And the video camera doesn’t show entire thing, no sound And so you look bad, and now you’re fired. Don’t break up fights on your own. Most likely, Unless like I said it was bullying or gang shit, the instigator Wants that pain. They begged for it, didn’t they. You did everything you could to intervene and protect them But they kept talking and teasing, being miserable and sadistic And too fucking stupid to ever stop on their own, So let their peers make them stop. Stop protecting them.

Talking to Ms. Jay

Around 10 AM, while the police were at the school front lobby because I called the police about my teammate having a seizure (she should have went in an ambulance, but fine, treat her like a worthless proletariat), As I returned to my class, the nextdoor classroom, number 4 The door flew open (shit was banging and flying in there, And Ms. Jay yelled GET OUT!!!! I was amused, and glad it wasn’t me, caught yelling at kids. I like Ms. Jay. She works hard. They’ve been running a classroom, two “aides” for months without a teacher, who’s out on seemingly endless vacation, disability, then Having a baby (his partner had one, that is), but he’s out helping her

So their classroom has been hell. These are bigger boys, 16-17 years old They are in their teenage feelings, those feelings are strong, and They’re orphans, essentially. Nobody wants them. But we do. Ms. Jay does. She mops the gym floor without being asked to And cleans up kids’ piss and dirty clothes, tennishoes, etc. And teaches them MATH, because somebody gotta do it.

So I stopped by Ms. Jay’s room, number four, after students Went back upstairs to their units, and let her rant to me for a bit She told me why she yelled (booming voice) GET OUT at 10 AM

Majorly Miserable Asshole student was instigating his peers With teasing, mimicking, calling names, racialized aggression Calling people niggers and crackers, this is the child that I said Would be better off culled. Too old, not going to change Very dangerous to society. Definitely potential mass shooter. So he got the bigger boys to start chasing him around the Room, to beat him up, and Ms. Jay starting chasing them Like a bunch of squirrels panicking in a bird cage So, she kicked the Misery out of the room, and he played basketball the rest of the day,

So I said to Ms. Jay, Ms. J, let them beat him up next time I would NOT break up that fight. We’re not like CO’s, covering up shower rapes, but we can let a racist piece of shit like that catch a couple bruises. She let herself giggle.

I said I’m serious. When one of my students went to beat up the Instigator I had in my room, (attention fiends— they want all the attention, and prefer the negative, because they understand it and want to master it (which is impossible)

So when “Jonny” went for “Bobby,” I let Bobby catch A combo of jap, right hook, left hook, before I even called it I said, Oh dear! Please, don’t! Stop, buddy! But I let Bob get rocked, on purpose, and felt good about it.

So I hope Ms. Jay lets the big Asian kid and little mixed kid get him, in their class. It takes all forms of correction To correct a tiny tyrant and see if he’ll be free or incarcerated. If he’ll be incarcerated, it means he doesn’t learn from ass whoopings, he doesn’t care, he’s a goner, lost, and at that point, I turn my attention and care to the brave ones The ones that said, Oh hell no, I will take care of this myself Because ultimately, we have to take care of it ourselves

AI and Rape Culture aka Patriarchy

I feel a tiny sense of glee, switching off the toggles Indicating no AI bullshit will pop up during my computer Activities. No thanks no thanks, bro, NO FUCKING THANKS! Fine, I’ll kill you, it’s the only way you’ll stop.