This is the most anonymous blog I’ve ever had and I’ve written hundreds of thousands of pages on half a dozen blogs, for absolutely no reason.
This is my favorite one, yet, because it will be the most honest blog of all times.
Today I didn’t feel like teaching ideally I would’ve been able to hermit as a verb but I had to go to school
I rolled up in my white banger, only slightly late moderately pissed off at the world and printed out a bunch of shit “to do” today then when the kids arrived, within a half hour I called it a movie day. It was so fucking crazy upon arrival. Sounded like a recording from Bedlam Asylum. Looked worse. I gathered my orphans into our tiny actual asylum, our classroom. Who’s going to be an asshole today, who will it be It was Martinez. Yesterday he was sweet, won “student of the day” This morning they told me during the handoff— he’ll probably need to be in the safe area (padded gym) all day. But he’s smart enough to know what you want him to do, and he’s determined to do the opposite, just to have a conflict-interaction. He wants the showdown. He targeted Mary, spit at her. called people N words, wandered the room repeated threats against my teammate Mary And I feel bad for her! She has PTSD, she’s an abuse survivor, and she’s 100% triggered by Martinez targeting and trying to bully her. She tries to punch back with sarcasm and passive aggressive comments and it just gets worse. He knows he’s hurting her feelings, and it’s his glory What a dick. Fuck Martinez. That’s why I shut him out the room for the last hour and a half, shut the door in his face, and told him, I’m all done talking about that I’m ignoring you because I’m all done talking about THAT and everything else. When I lose patience I say YOU NEED TO GET UP OUT OF HERE WITH ALL THAT YOU’RE DOING WAY TO MUCH AND I’M READY FOR YOU TO GO then if they don’t go my teammates physically escort them out
They might try to bang on our door, cry, or forget about us out there the only thing I can control (even mildly) is “in here.”
I may have said, yesterday to Beret, “You need to get the fuck up out on of here.” but he didn’t, he crawled under my desk, and they pulled him out that’s what I like about this job (one thing) when we say a students needs to leave they make him leave they don’t blame us or roll their eyes. Like if I was a better teacher this kid wouldn’t have stabbed me in the hand with his pencil Team mentality matters here. We co-parent. If you undermine a teammate, that could be a broken arm, or chunk of hair pulled out, or a bite out of somebody’s shoulder like a red apple that looks delicious. You can’t undermine each other. You have to walk a precarious line.
I try to show kinds (nowadays) how to compromise. I’ve gotten better at it. I’m less defensive. I trust my teammates more, now. Not with everything not all the time, but I think I shit out that inner supervisor that was sitting in my bowels, giving me gas and indigestion. I’m not supervising anyone. I’m modeling shit for them (how to stay focused on the mission) or I’m not modeling it. They’re showing me. It’s give and take. Sometimes we are shitty parents. Sometimes we do everything right. If nothing else, we show up (almost) every day for “Yeah, I’ll still fuck with you, kid no matter every shady thing you’ve done, and that you’d probably slit my throat if I was asleep and you wanted something lodged in my thorax. I know you’re a serial killer minus the ability to I know you saw shit You saw blood You were born in blood I expect not much here and now and then they show up
They show out, they start to bloom, You never know Blooms don’t last anyway Seasons are the real kings and queens The real hereditary power Spring will come, and the sun will help us recover Until it grows hotter, and tries to kill us again