this isn't heartbreak
you didn't call off your feelings for me
our last conversation towards each other wasn't necessarily conflictive
we still think about each other
so why does it feel like i'm drowning? why am i scared to talk to you?
so badly i wish i could tell you what's been happening to me. i'm developing either anxiety or depression, where the symptoms intertwine that i can't tell who's coming out as the victor. i cry everyday, i feel like i've been swimming for a while and my arms are too tired to continue. and now i'm drowning. i'm fully depressed. i called off work for 2 days to deal with my mental health when all i can do is cry in bed. i want to tell you how i'm feeling, i do. but your grandma just died and you have so much shit on your own plate. now you barely even message me. i'm too scared to tell the josh that i considered my safe space about how much i'm struggling right now.
because all i really need from you is a message saying you're proud of me and that you'll be here for me. and i don't have that. i miss you so fucking bad.
everything is overwhelming me. i can't breathe. my heart rate has been going crazy the past few days. i can't breathe. i want my best friend back. my stupid, sarcastic, apathetic best friend back. i want you to tell me everything will be okay, that i can get through this, but you're not here. you're going through your own shit and don't have room to handle mine. it's heartbreaking to really register that. i miss you so bad. i just want to tell you how i feel, so badly. because i'm suffering and there was once upon a time where you told me, “i hope you never feel like you can't open up to me about stuff like this.”
despite my hesitations, maybe i will tell you all of this, but i'm scared you'll just leave me again.