it's like i'm constantly losing my mind over the fact that we don't talk everyday, and atp this is something i shouldn't be losing my mind over anymore.
so why am i?
it's such a bad thing for me to be re-reading our old conversations. how in december/january and pre-february 15, we had so many messages exchanged per day. you put a lot of effort in. we talked constantly. post-february 15 is so depressing to think about because the amount of messages we exchange between each other has drastically decreased. that, or we just end up bickering/having an “altercation” and you disappear for a day or two. god, we really need to talk about that. i need to talk about that.
but at the same time, there's factors i need to consider. in december and for the earlier portion of january, you didn't have school. maybe your buddies were busy. maybe you just simply had more room in your life for me back then, and things are different now. i mean, i'm just making an educated guess here. it's not like you tell me shit. that's also something i wish would change. while i was re-reading our old dms, i noticed something you said once, “sorry to dump this on you”. one day, i want to tell you that i wish you would dump more on me. i hate that i wasn't able to be there to support you through your grandma's funeral. i want to know how uncomfortable it was wearing black for you, how people you haven't seen in years showed up to the funeral, how nice it was for you to see your brother again, just little things like these. you keep them hidden from me. i want to be in your life. when we spoke in december, we shared those parts of ourselves to each other. just little things. all this time, i never got bored of you. i want to keep learning about you. keep being in your life. but i have to see how things play out moving forward. now that there's no dead grandma in the way. no ghosting and assumptions in the way. i just finally, one day, want to lay it all out to you. next post about that to come shortly.