what do i want to tell my therapist?
- i'm starting to develop depression
- everything started piling up: poor relationship with josh, unsure if i love/want kenny, missing package (this did resolve itself) – everything became overwhelming. putting it metaphorically, i keep trying to stay above water but my arms are getting tired and now i'm starting to drown to the bottom.
josh
- share message josh sent me
- multi-faceted onion / “acts of service” love language. what he lacks in basic communication he makes up for in just doing things for me he doesn't normally do for other ppl.
- feeling like i can't rely on him for support during my current rock bottom situation atm.
- he used to say things like “i hope you never feel like you can't tell me these things...”
- unable to overcome obsession about josh, i want attention from him and the depression won't leave until i receive it
- already tried: listening to podcast about dismissive avoidants, went on an hour-long walk, petting my cat, talking to friends, listening to music, vitamin D pills, went to my fav ramen restaurant – basically i tried everything. all i wanted was to message him.
- someone asked me out on a date on hinge & i think i'm gonna go, but the only thing i was thinking of when i got the request was “how am i supposed to date someone who isn't josh, i just want josh. this guy isn't josh. josh and i still have so many more memories to create together, i don't want to create memories with another guy who isn't josh.”
- it's the little things, though, like when i went on a walk the other day – i saw flowers and thought how nice it would be to receive some, but i'd probably never get any from josh... especially if we're long distance.
- i want to move on physically can't. i ended up messaging him again anyway. (show christy the message i sent about the playlist + reassuring i'm here for him)
- i would set myself on fire to keep him warm
kenny
- not bonding with her
- all she does is hide, even when she likes me
- I thought I could handle it
- But she just gives me anxiety
- I feel disconnected from her
- I don’t wanna play with her
- I don’t love her
- I don’t wanna sleep with her
- I don’t want her
conclusion
- overall feels like i am getting depression not just feeling depressed
- already did everything, what else should i do? why do i not feel better? why is my only antidote in the form of a white man who can't give me basic communication?
- called off 2 days off work to “recharge” – not even sure if i could come back
- unsure how to navigate that / psychiatrist / quebec healthcare / healthcard hasn't come in mail yet