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Martinez was on one today and so were other people. Maybe because the change of seasons and impending Easter visit home that most of them have planned. They act out around the visits. Conflicted in all that. So I think that’s what we’re seeing? But my “perfect angel” turned into “pissy angel” at math time, and he attacked staff (so I heard) in the gym and was restrained and that supine lasted like 20 minutes at least, at LEAST.
They were right outside our classroom doors. We heard him being obnoxious the whole time. He pissed himself so that it would be in someone’s face (the person holding down his legs). He begged other students walking by to “be bad” with him. I have barely ever seen this side of him. Misogynistic bratty, endless. He made it back to the classroom but escalated as soon as he asked for a break and I said no? Why did I say no? Because he just fucking came in, the hell you need a break for? He claimed he hates math. Alternate personality.. so, Pissy Angel I want nothing to do with.

Desmond is the tallest (6’2 at 16 years) and our newest students, he keeps rocking then moving then throwing his entire metal/plywood/screws desk I guess that’s his thing (very startling and unsafe). When something happens, I always yell, usually cuss like NO! DAMN! and the desk flew apart of itself with a crash bang. Desmond hasn’t accepting or adjusted to my/our expectations yet. But he will. They have to give up, in a way, first. Admit they’re not in control.

In our classroom, we do the thing where we verbally praise everyone doing the right thing, and give them the most attention, as long as possible.
This is what they say to do (ABA folks) and it seems to work. I can’t believe how quickly kids get to work when I praise one or two that’s following directions. It works unless the kid is on an irrational ride that doesn’t match current events. Then nothing you say can land on the right spot.

When he didn’t get the daily reward, Desmond argued, he said, “All I did was have a little blip! (throwing your whole desk!?). And I’m mad, what can you expect!?” I said IT WAS NOT OKAY WITH ME. WE DON’T DO THAT HERE. NO ONE HERE DOES THAT. IT IS NOT A LITTLE BLIP. They all avoid taking responsibility. Once they realize, like Oh Yeah, I did kind of fuck up there, I wasn’t exactly safe there, then they're willing to consider making a safety plan for next time they get mad or triggered.
And then for however many years necessary we practice using the plan, we finetune the plan, until we can handle rejection, losing a competition, not getting our way, following directions, receiving critical feedback without attacking anyone and until we stop trying to get something we want, including both escape, and positive and negative attention by threatening and manipulating people.

It starts today, Desmond, X, Martinez. It’s your safety plan or nothing, in our playground today, in our hell-spot on earth.
I feel strict about this, but also flexible, ultimately. Other adults are going to say and do shit I don’t agree with, and vice versa, and they’re not going to get fired, and neither am I, because we’re understaffed, so it’s no use complaining to anyone, or arguing, so it’s “time to use our coping skills.”

Desmond yelling, “I don’t have any!” or “[The thing I want] is my coping skill!” (It’s not, if it’s your phone, a video game, or access to specific items that aren’t available everywhere).

For so many kids, playing with a ball is the number one thing that helps. For the other ones, drawing, music, and art. But don’t give them their preferred/reward type thing as a “coping skills.” An mp3 player or technology itself isn’t a coping skill and demanding one won’t help you (kids) at all. Of course weshould take a deep breath, but no one wants to. If they do, they’ll get praise, attention, and a sticker, small toy, or piece of candy.

Kids start asking about their daily reward near the end of the day. Did I earn one? I want this and I want that. For today it was, Do you think you earned one? X said, nah. “Thank you for accepting that. We’ll try again tomorrow.” But Desmond said, “Why not?” he demanded, indignantly. “Let’s just try again tomorrow, buddy,” before he starts on a rampage again. If they’re calm, I might ask, “Do you remember what happened after lunch?”

This afternoon, I took two kids to the bathroom, and when we got there, X, one of my favorite students, cutie pie, sweetheart (we all love him) looks at me and said, “Get away.” I averted my eyes downward and walked a few yards away toward the windows. But he followed me, sliding along the wall opposite of me. (X is EXTREMELY psychotic, even on lots and lots of medication). So, I was practicing de-escalation with body language, and I looked away, outside at the back yard, grass and blue sky. When I turned back, he was gone, and the other kid, Charles, was coming out of the bathroom. I said, but where’d X go? We checked the bathrooms, and figured he ran back to the gym, which he can reach because they never fix the lock on the door the kids always bust out of to leave “area.” They can’t really get that far- def can’t get to outside.

So Charles and I headed back to our classroom (I love Charles, too), and when we arrived, asking, “Did X come back?” Is he here? they looked at us with straight/serious faces and said, he did it again, he broke the computer. He had smashed the computer monitor for the 3rd time (he also broke the large screen TV before we got a new one in thick plastic case). My desk was a mess. So he had ran straight back to class and done it. Why?? I thought, then I asked, and was it perhaps because I set Cori’s paper figurines on top of the paper rectangular cube prism that X had given me the day before? Before we went to the bathroom, he had knocked it off my desk onto the ground. We made him pick it up. That could be it? But you never know, with someone holding like 99 personalities, all of them trying to come out. I couldn’t believe how fast they replaced our computer monitor. Like within 2 hours! In the past, this has taken much longer. When students break your computer in these settings, usually admin does a couple things: blame you, (how could you let your kids smash your laptop don’t you know not to have it out during class?) punishment of not having a computer follows that. or 2) stall to see if you’ll even be there in 6 months because if you quit, giving you new hardware isn’t worth it.

When I.T. brought in the new (to us) monitor, my student said with a rich, low mellow voice, BREAK THE COMPUTER My teammate Mary said oh no, oh no no. Let’s keep this one, or something. I’ll say it again. I love this kid. He could smash a million computer monitors and I’d never think less of him. He’s also maniacally obsessed with scary things, and probably witnessed his family being killed as a toddler. When he looks mad, he looks VERY scary. “Fix your face, damn.” we say. Don’t look like that. Nobody will want you in their group home. He gives us his most winning smile. They replaced the crown on his tooth today, actually, before school, but most likely he’ll pick it back off (the 600 dollar crown) with a sharp pencil, like he did the last two times. That’s what really bothers me, that we can’t make sure his teeth are okay. So he can bite more people, whatever and wherever his future may bring him. Just kidding. Watch yourself, though. Behind the smile is extreme madness. I wish we could protect him forever.

Martinez kept telling me and Mary, “I hate you. I’m gonna kill you! Go kill yourself” He probably told us both like 30 times each. We ignored all of it. I was much more therapeutic today. But I also barely taught any academics Shit was popping off too much for me to do more than read our book aloud and make them count by 10’s. I was glad I got Martinez to focus on me rather than than torment Ms. Mary. Every time he says it, she wants to cry. To me, I want to laugh. We have very different traumatic reactions. I just repeated things with Martinez today that he said, trying to validate He still yelled and stomped around, but I can tell our rapport is still solid.

Man, today was a hard day! See, anybody can crash out on this job. The behavioral therapist with us for the day was crying all day! Old timers are like, why though Today not worth crying about but it can be if you’re soft or scared of something someone could say. I’ve heard it all, now. I live for this shit. Not completely. I live for my own, and other things, too, but I honestly like the drama.

I have some (nagging) doubt about my responses to Martinez’ behavior day, like (I’ve been fired for not begging forgiveness for similar losing my patience moments) but I don’t think I will, here, because people only seem get fired for fraud. The cleaning lady was accosted by a high flyer in the hallway, he tried to hug her (this is his Modus Operandi) and since she resisted it, he spit on her, and she slapped him across the face! She got suspended. People said she should be fired, but I didn’t think so. They’re not trained for that. Spitting is germ warfare. The first few times he did it to me, I said, no no I don’t want it! No hug! No thank you! And I tried to get away from him. He didn’t spit it me but he started calling me “that mean girl.”

Which reminds of how today started, Martinez blowing and flicking his boogers all over my personal space area at my desk which is marked with red tape. I said, ew that’s disgusting, Get away from my area, outside that red tape and even more disgusted commentary.
Usually I say, “Do you need a tissue buddy?” Of course, He was belligerent all day, and not towards Ms. Mary, he hardly noticed her, because I was being hard on him, being blunt, saying I’m tired of you asking about food. Don’t ask anymore. There’s nothing back here for you (he was trying to push past me to this snack drawer that was empty. Yes, bad cop in full force. I didn’t baby him. I wasn’t therapeutic. I was confrontational and rude and everything I said escalated him. And I said I’m getting annoyed and then angry about this, to him.
Because he’s holding the whole class hostage right now He’s demanding food every 10 minutes, and either getting it, or if not, asking about his favorite activities, and it’s not time for them yet, or biggest of all, he can’t go walk in the gym because other kids are (even more) escalated than he is out there. And he’s one of the kids who tries to “take a break” when they hear shit happening out there, knowingt damn well if they go out they’ll get into a fight with that person or get more upset, the opposite of what we need to do.

So Erik was out there this morning, like a moose on cocaine, roaring mad about something a kid in my class had done in the morning. I didn’t figure that out for a while (that my perfect angel had started it), I’m like, “Why’s he yelling your name out there?” So we were saying no to break requests, but one of them went out anyway. And he got beat up. But the other kid got restrained, who beat him up. I was glad he got beat up by that kid, who’s half his size. I knew he wasn’t a fighter. Most of our kids aren’t. But that kid is. In the room, Martinez was starting in on me. Then we decide it’s better for him to leave (and probably get in a fight) then keep instigating everyone in the classroom- and one of our kids beat him up. He mostly kept threatening me, but like I said, I was on the IDGAF bad-cop mode, and I just said straight up, I’m not playing with you today. Stop or I’ll have you escorted. Then I had him escorted. They keep bringing him back and he keeps escalating. He tries to hold the door open, won’t go in or out and that’s the worst because then we hear all the swearing, crying, screaming, basketballs bouncing, etc. in the gym, and we can’t do class.

So I was like for about 10 minutes actually, it’s coming back to me now, but then I ran out of patience. When he spit at me, I said, he gotta go- that is germ warfare, also the boogers he threatened me with. When he started telling me he was going to kill me I said, well go out in the gym, and plan how you’re gonna do it. Then you can come back and try. He looked confused, but I knew I was losing it. Later he walked up to me and said FUCK YOU with his middle finger in my face and I pointed back at him with my pointer and said, Right back atcha. That’s why I’m going to enjoy when you get none of the prizes or treats later. You’ll care then.
No I won’t! He made his way into another classroom and stole their ipad and we saw him walking in the gym with it, We thought they gave it to him, and let him in, but they said it was an accident. Some of these kids are not improving in our care, and he’s a main one. I might’ve ruined my rapport with him today, but I couldn’t play nicey nice with him any more. You’re talking big kid, you want to kill me? Then try. Let’s do that then. You try to kill me, and see what happens.

See, I’ve had students who wanted to kill me and were capable of it, and made many attempts during the school year? Did they kill me? No, they got escorted and restrained, or I kicked them when they jumped at me or trip them and they fucked themselves up, one way or another So these kids, with half the IQ of my Young Bullies classroom, can barely catch me running, not prone to making weapons, yeah so that’s nothing. It’s almost fun, it’s almost funny. But it’s also enough. There’s a time and place for everything. Even poop parties. Some of my students are being good in school and I find out they spread shit everywhere in the shared bathroom at home. Like, ew, why. I’m not cut out for dealing with that. That’s germ warfare and I’ve never been suicidal, really ever. I wanted to be perfect before, and felt like I shouldn’t exist if I wasn’t perfect, but overall that was the feeling of shame, which doesn’t last forever, if you start weeding your garden.

Yesterday I had one of my least favorite dreams (they repeat with variations). I was taking a nap. Having extremely stressful dreams, is that helpful or not? This dream is in the “singing” and performing category In this category many things can happen, but most often I cannot sing I will not remember the words and we can’t find or print them online I cannot sing- I sound bad I try to write songs with Mark and even though the studio is great lots of weird, old equipment to try out, even though I thought our new song sounded cool, at least worth having fun with and sharing after recording, I show up at our gig at some venue, people are there, but Mark can’t be found And I realize he doesn’t want to perform, especially our new song (lol) which, like I said, I thought was worth something, maybe not great singing but kind of cute punk rock, a catchy line or two but then I talk to Shezronne, Shez, my old bestie from around 6-7th grade-senior year. I said, Shez, Did you like the song? My/our song? She said, honestly, no. What the fuck! right? This new song is not that bad, it’s worth performing. I said, well if we’re not performing this new song, I don’t want to perform the old songs either, and clearly Mark felt the same way, so the venue skipped our act and just had DJ’s. I can tell he doesn’t want to work with me anymore, he doesn’t think I’m good. See, I hate that. When my old high school friends say I can’t sing anymore, and they used to think I was the shit. They thought I could be a famous singer. That’s partly why I left home. Everyone said you have this talent. But now I’m mid-40’s, and I started smoking, see, and I continued it. Like Tom Petty, Like Aretha Franklin, (okay not that great) but even as that great of a singer, the misery is momentarily cured with a headrush/loss of oxygten, inhalation of smoke. And singers smoke, including Bonnie Raitt. Even Rihanna (at least smokes weed). I started in college, on a regular basis. Even now, it seems unreal. Me, a smoker? You wouldn’t have thought. I was athletically and achievementishly oriented in high school and most of college.

Well, in most dreams nowadays, I sing in front of an audience that doesn’t clap. They literally don’t, (how rude), at least I tried! A lot of things have changed since 1997! My voice wasn’t the highest priority. Also, I can still sing, so fuck you, dream. I’m still the best mimic and original melody creator other than super great song writers who also smoked and died. So what have you say to that, uh uh, nothin’, that’s what I thought.

my roommate just asked if her kleenex box is recyclable do you know what that means? she cares and do you know why? cuz i care

her family didn’t care didn’t participate in the recycling charade reality: why am I pretending the things I put into recycling get recycled and not just dumped into the ocean or a pit in a poorer country that agrees to get rid of it for a fee And we look the other way

but you still have to do it

CNN 10 did a story about recycling and I stopped the entire news video and gave a lecture to my class about how recycling is a scam made up by the companies that marketed single use plastic drinks, something that never existed before, but now becomes micro plastics everywhere for us to slowly poison ourselves while they profit and I said Coca-Cola is evil and so is Pepsi

I apologize for sharing an opinion because some of my teammates think I shouldn’t share opinions while listening to CNN10 although conflict between the adults interests the students more than the (fake) news. like what are the adults fighting about?

I’ll tell you what it’s a human rights issue, not politics

You guys (coworkers) think I’m a fucking Democrat while I’m not Sure, I used to be and that’s a part of this confession I’m sorry I’m sorry I voted for Obama Cannot say I voted for Hillary and I was too young to vote for Bill But I did vote for Kamala given all the pressure for the lesser evil But obviously, that was a big scam like most things they sell us, and the biggest evil is the genocide

Anyway, getting used to thinking about genocide daily as a part of my daily life

I need to confess that I’m wrong to judge people for gluttony I know I’m an addict too. I belong in AA. how dare I judge, food, addicts, and sugar addicts when I’m a basic run-of-the-mill alcoholic And a pothead So I don’t think that you should execute the people who don’t deserve to be eating all the fat of the land or living off all the fat of the land, in our land that means fake food fast food junk food pop my roommate is very fat

But bacon actually is disgusting I mean, depending on the meat to fat ratio? I like the meat part

So, don’t judge people who like eating pork fat

Don’t judge anyone Is that too much to ask?

Apparently

Grass looks greener over there, in the desert than here on the prairie land Looks better under hijab, the eastern women hidden, at least, anonymous. Here they slut you out if they catch you I’d rather with that than this because I know ‘this’ very well now, and couldn’t hate anything more than these masters that we have right now I want to try your master No, of course not No masters! But some people needs mastery because over here people are insatiable greedy, eating the fat of pigs, gluttonous watching a screen for hours, the same show over and over, laughing at the same parts they’re so weak, so simple, so brainwashed so braindead, why do they deserve the wealth they have of course they don’t take it take it take the fat out of their mouths it goes straight to the waist, fat everywhere the fat’ o the land squandered, and the grapes of wrath are still ripe for the vintage somebody says show them mercy they didn’t know they were so fat but someone else says, yes they do.

Today I have to chance to make up for last week during the Green Party, being rude and inappropriate in the chat I can act normal for an hour or so, but it’s so boring It’s so so boring. All the minutes, the notes, the agenda, the procedures I don’t enjoy these things at all. I also don’t want to 1) call anyone because I wouldn’t want someone to call me 2) knock on anyone’s door (same reason) 3) ask for a signature (same reason)

I don’t want to do the boring stuff at all but I won’t drop out, because what else is there??? I KNOW that this is the real work, the groundwork, the footsteps and these things need to be done in any system especially politics Someone has to figure out the details!?

I don’t want to, but i keep feeling there is something i will want to do mostly I just don’t want to be alone and these are friends that won’t offend me and many of them are comrades and they’re better potential friends than anywhere else i might meet people like church (fuck no), the bar (no) work (no) So i’m showing up for friendship.
they don’t need to know that plus i’m not doing that great so far at it keep getting bored and impatient or leaving or getting too drunk or falling asleep

My real leadership style is dictatorial in my classroom, i’m the top boss of all bosses if i don’t wanna talk about it, the convo is over if the answer is no, talk to the hand i can do whatever i want, and don’t have to explain it but i’m always trying to make everyone happy at once this is my vision, the one they have to submit to because my brain is the handler and sorter of feelings and desires in the room, for adults and kids i almost always decide to make other adults happy and all the kids happy but when i decide not to, that is also that So what’s this about the democracy etc.?

Sometimes I take a vote, and then I don’t honor it I change my mind because I wanted the thing that lost so i’m a bad person for green party politics long story short and this is because i trust myself the most and can’t really commit to anything like opinions, mine keep changing

Tuesday was St. Patty’s day, and in preparation for it I made my class watch a bible study video version of who’s St. Patrick He was a slave sent to Ireland, then he escaped, then he went back on his own volition to convert pagans to Christianity, by arguing that his God could save them from famine, and they needed that. I didn’t watch the video before showing it.

Marquis came to class wearing a green, plastic tophat that said Happy St. Patty’s Day on the front, and Bud Light on the back We silently laughed so hard about that. Marquis don’t know what that is. By today, Friday, Marquis’s Aide or One-on-One told him it’s all done with the hat. Take it off.
Marquis was furious. He tore the hat apart with his nails and teeth and threw it on the floor. He banged his head off the front of his desk. We started prompting him to take space, and everyone moved away from him Thank god he went, and I let him have the daily reward at the end of the day for turning things around.

In the past, that child has broken the computer monitor 3 times, broken a thick glass window with his head, and bitten the hell out of kids and staff. So that’s why we jumped away from him. He’s also floridly psychotic, all the time. You can interact with him, but it’s only one reality that he’s experiencing and he only uses scripts to communicate (easy to figure out ones- to us).

When they got Marquis into the gym, we heard him shrieking, BIIIITTTCHHHH His aide said, I don’t know if I should go out there, since he’s mad at me, but I said, you’re still the best person with him, and she went.

I didn’t give the daily reward to Martinez, who targeted Ms. Mary all day, again. He threatened to kill her both softly and loudly, and when he got our response, which started patient and got quickly to “enough’s enough,” he shouted, “I don’t care!” He walked by me, gave me the finger, and left, slamming the door as hard as he could. He kept trying to engage her in the abuse cycle. It’s so obvious, and he’s trying to speed it up.

First, say abusive things and insults. He called her a pig. He whispered here and there, “I just don’t like Ms. Mary. I want her out of here!” then making Ms. Mary a card with her name in crayon, and if she accepted it, returning to tear it up and repeat his threats. We have at least 4 adults intercepting and distracting him, trying to help him participate in activities. I kept one eye on him all day. When he’s thinking about how he wants the daily reward, he starts over-doing niceness. Offering people weird things to eat, like some of his carrots at lunch, a half eaten apple, or random papers, he asks for compliments about everything good he does, and I usually give them. “That’s right, those are good manners (please and thank you). But at the end of the day, he didn’t earn it, in my book, or in Ms. Mary’s book.

We have one teammates who’s been extremely absent, playing the good cop, not being there during drama, taking naps somewhere. It’s annoying. But not the most annoying thing a teammate can do. But she’s accusing us of being “negative” and non-therapeutic at points, although I’m not sure if her criticism was directed as us or others I’m not always therapeutic. I have to keep many petty comments to myself. But I directly told Martinez several times, “You do not get the reward because you threatened to kill Ms. Mary several times today, and you said many unkind words to her.” “Well, I just don’t like Ms. Mary,” he said. That’s fine, I said, but that’s why you don’t get the reward. He pounded the wall, accused Ms. Mary of staring at him, shook his fist at her, and spent the rest of the day in the gym. I hope she doesn’t quit because she has a solid core for this type of work, and it’s her next stage of growth.

He’s triggering her, which is further triggering Martinez, the energy alone. His mean words make her want to cry, and remember her ex-husband’s abuse, and I see her shaking a little bit. When Martinez wants his reward and starts stalking me (hanging out by my desk), he’ll say. I’m safe. I’ll be safe. Can I have (all these things)? but I told him, That’s good, that’s good that you’ll be safe. He said, “I won’t hurt Ms. Mary,” I said that’s right, and also because I won’t let you “I won’t hurt her,” Right, and if you try to, I will stop you. He thinks about it. He bites his hand. I stand firm. Safe hands, I say.

I really don’t know where this situation could go next. He’s perseverating her and projecting everything on her. She probably reminds him of someone. someone he definitely did not like, or someone who did not like him. perhaps the stepmom. He was exposed to domestic violence for years. His IQ is around 50. But he knows when someone is laughing at him. And he knows right from wrong. “Don’t hurt Ms. Lisa,” he’ll say, “Or I’ll go to prison?” he smiles for some reason. This is a calming script for him for some reason.

Jermiah tells Martinez to stop bully Ms. Lisa. “Or Jeremiah will punch me?” Martines asks, looking to me.

I don’t think he’ll punch you, although you never know, but we don’t like it. we don’t like you talking to Ms. Mary. I don’t want you to speak to her or about her at all anymore.

I guess only time can tell where this will go. I bet if Mary’s energy shift, Martinez’s will too. He’s sensing her history of being victimized, and he’s relishing the bully’s role. This child is having heart surgery soon. He’s not a strong kid. He’s slow. He laughs maniacally for no reason sometimes. His mood is like the wind. But he sure hates tf outta Mary.

I don’t know if I want to be in the Green Party anymore. It’s mostly because someone is going to run who’s not good enough for me. A petty reason. I went to the GP social last week at the bar I picked because it’s close. Then I went. And it was weird. It was only two other people. I had picked a black bar. I’ve been before and it had good reviews. I pictured 10-15 people there, eating. I drank and all that before I went. I drank a lot that night. But it was only two people. I gave them my full social attention. It was one of the leaders, and a guy from Texas who said he had moved here for school. I forgot for what. I thought he looked like a drifter, and he reminded me of a roommate I had around 2006, named Phil. He was a slob, and a womanizer, and he chainsmoked inside, wanted to tattoo rats, stole my whiskey, and had impulsive sex in the middle room while I was home, and we had to hear it. My cat was traumatized, but I was living a chaotic life so it was only a detail. The leader told me that before I got there, the patrons came over to them and said, “You guys are making us nervous,” because they look suspicious. The leader is petite, and (to me, at least), flamboyantly gay. He’s wrapped in rainbows, and talks like a kindergarten teacher. The only guy DOES look like trouble! That’s why I grilled him, and he put up a high, thick wall, and hid behind it. He was young, a little handsome, wearing a jean jacket-jeans type outfit with shoulder length, brown hair. He sipped a single drink for an hour. I offered to buy him another, and he declined. Both guys took the bus to the bar. I felt bad that I got to drive home, afterward, and they’d be waiting for the bus. I thought about driving the Texas boy home, but immediately didn’t feel safe. Who knows who he is? He didn’t show me, that’s for sure.

I tried to convey friendliness and a tiny bit of insider connection by naming the song playing, while ordering drinks at the bar. “Jodeci,” right? The bartender ignored me. “Forever My Lady.” See, all the people in the bar were my friends in high school. They don’t recognize me, because I look different than I did then, in 1995 in South Minneapolis (12 hours from here, at least). I was in a black community there, a diverse, mixed community, and my best friends were biracial with black and white parents. Most of the moms were white and black dads weren’t there anymore. My first boyfriend was mixed like that, and “Forever My Lady,” by Jodeci was popular in 1991 when I was about to meet him. The other bands we liked were: Boys to Men, BBD (Bel Biv Devoe), and singers like: Mary J Blige, Sisters With Voices, and En Vogue. I went a long way from home, but I started there, with them.

Now they’re at the bar- this is their bar- this is their SPOT, their family, These patrons come here every single night. The music is loud. We don’t fit in. The company I invited look like Hitler (gay boy has a Hitler mustache) and your average hitch-hiker/serial killer, and I’m high on legal stimulants. I put in time and we left.

Then the next night I actually went out again for my sister’s birthday. I had fun dancing to grrrl power punk rock from the 2000’s and both earlier/later- like, the YYYs and Bikini Kill. It was a white scene. I noticed that. But it was a soldout party and we reveled in memories. In college, my life was like that— all female parties all the time. They are way better than parties with guys, I’m sorry, but it is. I’m not sorry. Men ruin everything. They make shit scary, when it was silly and they’re always on the prowl. At lesbian events (more or less) we only let in a half dozen guys that are safe, because they’re gay or in some other way, aware that this isn’t a place to fish for prey.

We had fun. The next day and rest of the weekend I was hungover and mostly slept it off. Then I bailed on social events I had loosely committed to, like coffee with thh DSA at a cafe downtown (“too far”- I say about anything where I need to cross a bridge in my car). I was supposed to do outreach calls for the Green Party, and I said I was going to the Democratic Socialists (our friends) coffee event. But I knew deep down I might not go.

I have a writing group online every saturday and sunday morning. After that I like to walk my dog. Then go back to bed. But I wanted to go. Working takes up all the energy. At least my work is love work. Practicing radical acceptance and love. We’re good enough, we’re lovable, we deserve safety, we deserve acceptance, we deserve access to resources, just the way we are. Just the way you are, no matter what.

Ambivalent team players have a hard time joining a team even to win

I joined the Green Party in my area and now someone might run for governer that I don’t like

When I heard them speak my imagination said, That is a bad guy voice. I said, I know. We said, that guy looks like he’d solicit underage girls for sex, and they said, please be nice. Don’t assume the worst of people.

But I am. I’m assuming the worst. I think that guy is an asshole, and cares too much about his outfits and his hair. I think he’s a man, and that’s enough evidence against his goodness. Enough with men. Haven’t they shown us who they are, in politics, if nothing else?

Men can’t handle work. They’re too obsessed with sex. It’s like a disability for them. They’re like a hamster on a wheel, running for sex, running for sex, run run run

Like wtf is wrong with you anyway It’s just sex

And the thing is, men, especially RELIGIOUS MEN have spent 2,000 years trying to blame us for being sexy and blame us for not liking angry shitty men and letting them own and control everything, they don’t deserve

the benefit of the doubt, anymore. I don’t doubt it at all. I can picture it easily.

You, trying to be cool with some agent online that you meet because you’re an idiot thinking with your penis and they set you up and you were talking poetry to a 15 year old and they know nothing about predators like you, looking to steal because no woman would ever want to give it to you for free but children don’t know any better and a lot of their parents aren’t paying attention

What I’ve learned from working as a special education teacher is that most problems just need time, or nothing might help Don’t take it all on. People (including children) do what they’re going to do. Hurting people want to hurt people. Most of the time, the best way you can help, is to not react.

We’re all living in our own movies. We see what we see. Others see differently. If we can offer ourselves with the humility of the fact that no one is perfect (not child or adult), but safety is paramount and we’re going to make sure everyone is safe, but we’re not breaking up every fight, and we can’t be determined to see the immediate effect of showing care (it’s a longer journey), so it’s enough to be. And it’s enough to be there. And you’re allowed to have emotions, and show them so long as it doesn’t create unsafety, and we can see people (children) as just like us Just like us, They are just like us, and if we can see children as just like us, people who are confused and upset, and like all things, that passes, no matter what you do, then we can make a family.

If we can make a family, then life is worth living. If it’s a family of one, and one person finally accepts themselves as a child, who wanted something else Children might have wanted what the parents wanted or something else altogether but we don’t straight get what we want, do we? I’ll help you bear that.