A prayer to let me change profession to change my being and existence to something else bread
To give up my degree and experience and walk away feels 30% great
20% sad
but mostly inevitable
to celebrate i’m steady drinking a cocktail with kratom that’s bad i know but the 20% sad is incredibly menacing
i don’t do sad, it’s not safe for me need to keep head up, kopf hoch (german) i want to do a craft, a service that’s needed i want to do women’s work and survive on it
i don’t want to teach in capitalism i present myself, chewed up, spit out like a hairball, or a tonsil lolith stinky, calcium deposits, suicides i don’t want to do it anymore
so i’m just sitting here waiting for them to call and fire me while getting tipsy and high because i intend to not degrade myself with self pity i plan to soldier forward and forgive myself facts i did my best in their world nothing more you can do than that i apologized for my anger to the kids that’s the most i could do, after the fact but no more teaching, while teammates judge me i’ll hermit as much as i can from now on the kids are going to psych wards and prison either way i was just a sometimes sunny dot in there world, but then also a scary dot in their world. i admit it. i retire. i can’t stay calm in some circumstances, like when i’m sick and they’re understaffed, i can’t do it for sure 100% i might crash out again and honestly that’s par for the course, so hopefully everyone forgives me for it. that’s not the real me.