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Schizophrenic American Fantasy

days, months, years go by and no one kills the aristocrats

until we execute villains, our nation is kaput, invalid,

no constitution, no viable country it was all we really ever had

we gotta do this like the french and english,

like king charles how when they went to arrest him at his ranch was it pablo escobar?

or could be at the white house

the king was bored and angry in his castle all the peasants were starving and dead

charlie demanded, when knock knock, they came, ON WHOSE AUTHORITY DO YOU ARREST ME (moi?)

he wanted to know who had given the order who betrayed, who sold him out

but one of the arresting soldiers pointed a gun at his chin and said, “this is all the authority I need.”

and it was a sword, not a gun, right next they still held a trial for him good manners, fair game

then the guns sang, our gang banging our flag, well, the man’s time is up, it’s good riddance

the race

when someone is driving crazy on the highway i’m a little tempted to fuck w them like to race them

today a crazy driver cut me off by swerving into the left lane, where i was managing to ignore my broken window being stuck open and excited about getting home

i honked at him, party to say, Hello I’m here please don’t crash into me and party to say, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

So this driver was crazy AND petty because they slowed way down, to punish me for honking And their entire back window wasn’t there Shards of glass around the edges, like someone Shot it out, who knows? It was a banged up car I thought, maybe they’re running to/from something Criminal, like a murder, switching lanes every 10 seconds

i was obsessed with this car for at least a mile because i know this stretch of highway and it slows down before the bridge, so you have to be careful, but they kept switching lanes, not even getting that far and I wanted SO BADLY to pass them but I couldn’t get up there

So we went through the tunnel, and this driver SWITCHED LANES IN THE TUNNEL, big no no You stay in your lane in the tunnel

we parted ways on the bridge, but my attachment took a while to recede from the emotional space of my car

I got home in one piece but can’t roll the windows up because like I said they're broken, and I still owe about 4k on this stupid Nazi Chevrolet I wish it was the “roll up” type of window from the last century because then I bet it would be working Not a fucking button, what can you do with that?

Racist Trash

Yesterday, after lunch, according to our routine, my class was walking laps in the gym. There was a student there from another class who didn’t go to lunch because he was on the hamster wheel. Where he tries to run so hard and fast that he get’s beat up and killed Except we’re professionals who don’t take things personally plus, many cameras watch us work, this isn’t a natural setting.

So my kids are walking/running laps, and “Bobby” is targeting A black man, his staff person, who’s trying to tune it out. Bobby’s like, You fucking nigger, your mom’s a nigger bitch You’re a bitch, you’re a fucking pussy, you love to hurt kids You love putting your hands on little kids, you fucking nigger

So, coming around the bend, I say to him, STOP. MY KIDS ARE WALKING AND DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS RACIST TRASH.

He keeps going, ups it a little bit, getting closer to his staff, I walk another lap, I say, HE DOESN’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK With the tone of, if I could’ve spit at him, I would, Huk tuh! Miserable little brat, skinny piece of demented white trash, School shooter, red eyes, unwanted by anyone, almost 18.

Then we went into the room. One of my teammates said to The kids, Good job ignoring the negativity! I said, Well, I could not. I didn’t ignore it, so not me. No good job for me.

At the end of the day, I talked to his staff. That’s when I said to Ms. Robin, let them beat him up. Let them, let the kids beat him up. It won’t stop him But it will make them feel better, and they deserve that.

When they start chasing him around your classroom Let them catch him. Don’t call for support. Don’t call for an official restraint, the nurse, all that. Pretend you can only Move in slow motion. Don’t break it up, either. Let nature do it’s thing.

She said, We have to break up fights, we have to I said, lots of teachers try, and then it looks bad on camera And the school throws them to the wolves. You got in it. You got a black eye, from the kid getting beat up because they will turn their shame on you. Lots of kids are afraid of each other, but will assault their staff Because they know they’re safe with us, we won’t hit back.

Let that kid catch everything coming to him. People in this country work WAY too hard at protecting racists. These are black staff showing him this level of patience. For me, I’d be good if they cut the cameras off for ten minutes.

rap

NLE Choppa is my secret pleasure A young man who made 7 songs with the same name: Choppa Flow https://youtu.be/f9zkBcZZ-1Y He reminds me of Jerome, a kid I liked (locked up near Harrisburg now)

When I turn eleven I toted a felon My nigga was snake I knew I could smell it When I’m feeling threatened I turn into Melly, Free Melly! One pop we pop we never stop We spint the block till glock go pop pop pop heh heh

Melly was a rapper who killed his crew because he suspected they were informants When they put him on trial, his lawyer Supported an insanity plea, Arguing that “Melly” was an alternative personality And Melly still got locked up But not without garnishing sympathy From people who understand multiple personalities They are so real

Informants are so real Snitches are real Traitors and infidels are real And it comes with a certain smell

Were Melly’s boys really ops? Nobody could find out cuz he shot them In the car, in the backseat, smoke em all.

Anti-Panic Attack Mantra/Prayer/Medicine (repeat as needed) My cherry-picked favorite mantras from a sizeable collection used compulsively to function through over 20 years struggle and across statelines

I can imagine loving myself and others. Imagine others loving me, and each other

I can accept myself just like this, deeply in this moment, and Others can accept each other, too. Others can rest and accept, and so can I.

I can forgive myself just like this, Hellbound hellhound, and others, right now. Others can forgive each other, they’re allowed to.

I can relax exactly the way things are. I’m right where I’m supposed to be— time and place. We all are, we can be, if we wake up.

Imagine being good enough exactly like this, And others are good enough, right now, as is The way they are, the way all these things are.

It is okay to sit still in this moment and rest, or watch, or listen, or feel No feeling of obligation toward illustions.

Breaking Up Fights

At a couple schools, we (the staff) learned how to break up Fights. This is what you do: you need 4-5 people ready. Two people approach from opposite sides (assuming only 2 students are fighting). You grab their hips, and turn/walk them away from the fight, not pushing them but guiding them a distance.

Other schools said (different schools of training for special ed), We don’t break up fights unless it’s clearly unequal or child is getting jumped, so to speak. If it’s any type of natural CONSEQUENCES situation, or a matter of individualising a gender-coded pecking order, (among only males or female cliques/groups), let them fight.

Otherwise they’re going to bicker about it and disrupt everything with their anxiety, which isn’t fair to other people

Let them do it. If you break up a fight, usually, without the procedure I described, you end up restraining one of them Which makes the other student free to attack you both Which means you helped one of them get those extra licks And now they both hate you, and they turn against you Then you let go, having not helped the situation, and not safe And the video camera doesn’t show entire thing, no sound And so you look bad, and now you’re fired. Don’t break up fights on your own. Most likely, Unless like I said it was bullying or gang shit, the instigator Wants that pain. They begged for it, didn’t they. You did everything you could to intervene and protect them But they kept talking and teasing, being miserable and sadistic And too fucking stupid to ever stop on their own, So let their peers make them stop. Stop protecting them.

Talking to Ms. Jay

Around 10 AM, while the police were at the school front lobby because I called the police about my teammate having a seizure (she should have went in an ambulance, but fine, treat her like a worthless proletariat), As I returned to my class, the nextdoor classroom, number 4 The door flew open (shit was banging and flying in there, And Ms. Jay yelled GET OUT!!!! I was amused, and glad it wasn’t me, caught yelling at kids. I like Ms. Jay. She works hard. They’ve been running a classroom, two “aides” for months without a teacher, who’s out on seemingly endless vacation, disability, then Having a baby (his partner had one, that is), but he’s out helping her

So their classroom has been hell. These are bigger boys, 16-17 years old They are in their teenage feelings, those feelings are strong, and They’re orphans, essentially. Nobody wants them. But we do. Ms. Jay does. She mops the gym floor without being asked to And cleans up kids’ piss and dirty clothes, tennishoes, etc. And teaches them MATH, because somebody gotta do it.

So I stopped by Ms. Jay’s room, number four, after students Went back upstairs to their units, and let her rant to me for a bit She told me why she yelled (booming voice) GET OUT at 10 AM

Majorly Miserable Asshole student was instigating his peers With teasing, mimicking, calling names, racialized aggression Calling people niggers and crackers, this is the child that I said Would be better off culled. Too old, not going to change Very dangerous to society. Definitely potential mass shooter. So he got the bigger boys to start chasing him around the Room, to beat him up, and Ms. Jay starting chasing them Like a bunch of squirrels panicking in a bird cage So, she kicked the Misery out of the room, and he played basketball the rest of the day,

So I said to Ms. Jay, Ms. J, let them beat him up next time I would NOT break up that fight. We’re not like CO’s, covering up shower rapes, but we can let a racist piece of shit like that catch a couple bruises. She let herself giggle.

I said I’m serious. When one of my students went to beat up the Instigator I had in my room, (attention fiends— they want all the attention, and prefer the negative, because they understand it and want to master it (which is impossible)

So when “Jonny” went for “Bobby,” I let Bobby catch A combo of jap, right hook, left hook, before I even called it I said, Oh dear! Please, don’t! Stop, buddy! But I let Bob get rocked, on purpose, and felt good about it.

So I hope Ms. Jay lets the big Asian kid and little mixed kid get him, in their class. It takes all forms of correction To correct a tiny tyrant and see if he’ll be free or incarcerated. If he’ll be incarcerated, it means he doesn’t learn from ass whoopings, he doesn’t care, he’s a goner, lost, and at that point, I turn my attention and care to the brave ones The ones that said, Oh hell no, I will take care of this myself Because ultimately, we have to take care of it ourselves

AI and Rape Culture aka Patriarchy

I feel a tiny sense of glee, switching off the toggles Indicating no AI bullshit will pop up during my computer Activities. No thanks no thanks, bro, NO FUCKING THANKS! Fine, I’ll kill you, it’s the only way you’ll stop.

Snapshot from the Hidden World of Residential Schools for Boys

Gary balls up his fists, gestures toward me, “Ouu! I’ve been Wanting to punch you for so long!”

I hide my laughter. Gary big mad. I’m truly a psycho for enjoying setting the boundaries And watching him melt down like the evil witch of the West, I’m melting, I’m melting! I enjoy Moments like that, and seeing him escorted from Our classroom. You’re not going to ruin everything For everyone, not even ruin today for me I don’t know what you’ve seen at home But this is a program and it runs a certain way You’re not the boss here, and I’m not your bitch

I like Gary. I think he’s verbally/conceptually gifted (Asbergers type A). He asks truly original and apt/insightful questions He believes he’s my “favorite student,” facts, he said that *Again I hid my laughter. My FAVORITE STUDENT BRO? Try The most unpleasant person I've met, child or adult You never stop, Gary. You never shut up. You can’t. Your driven to quell your anxiety by externalizing it. I feel like, I know I can save him. He’s already saved.

He’s so lucky he landed in my playground. It’s really the last/only chance, and I think he’ll take it. Or maybe not. Maybe he’ll really become JACK OF THE SHINING. Today I said that similarity, and Gary said, Does he die? I said no, he kills everybody. Then I pretended an evil, villain laughter. See, I’m not in denial. Gary said, Good!

He almost reminds me of JD Vance, physically and emotionally/energetically— also, maybe, a tiny doll of myself, with his hyper-thinking, impulsive blurting, comments and questions about everything. This is what I told his mother, who told him that he’s my “favorite.” He’s curious. He’s honest. He’s Asbergers af. He’s insightful, it’s all timing His mother loves him. He’ll go home. His parents are engineers, of course they are. They support him But couldn’t live with him— THAT unpleasant of a child

a lot of families have children like this: They are ruining *the family They endup the center of attention, fire after fire Putting out fires, the siblings feel stifled, ignored, insignificant At school, teachers start sending home red flags: This child cannot do the school drill, no matter what we try.

After 2-3 schools, the kids get sent to us. If you’re sent to us, that means nobody can fuck wy anymore You did way too much, for much too long, and this is what I told Gary, today:

You are NOT the only person here, in this room In this class right now, and you are NOT ANYMORE IMPORTANT Than ANYONE ELSE. So sit down, and be quiet. And guess what? He did. He now wants my approval. Because the kid wants to learn. I hope he makes it to society, And doesn’t get culled. This one has potential.

But he’s also such a bully… wants to pass on his self-loathing But I love my job of blocking his ambition. Also today, after another Asbergers student asked me the same question For the 30th time, (CAN HE WATCH CHAPTER 5 OF POPPY’S PLAYHOUSE HORROR GAME), or use the tape/sissors to create 3-D figurines (Rather than participate in class/schoolwork), I said, flatly, “What’s actually horrific is that this is the 30th time you asked the same question question, and I answered it already at least 10 times. Stop.”

At lunch I was trying to discuss an issue with my teammates At the “staff table” in the cafeteria and Gary kept saying my Name, asking annoying, purposefully attention seeking questions with known and obvious answers and I yelled,

“God DAMN… DARNIT! STOP SAYING MY NAME AND LET ME EAT AND TALK TO ADULTS!”

Then I said to a teammate, who had recently claimed we have to nicey-nice talk all these kids all the time, I said, “How was my tone there? Was it good?” And that let my team laugh, about our tension lately, and all the stress. Because my tone was obviously brutal. But guess what? the kids accepted It. Because I almost never yell, when I yell (and swear) it’s like whoa.
I hope. And I tryyyyy not to. lunch is hard, when you want them to shut the fuck up all the way, but they STILL want our attention. Incredible.

A Very Windy Day

Today my teammate had a seizure in class with students there I’m oddly good at spotting people having seizures. This is At least the 3rd one I’ve called. One time, a student tricked Me, and faked a seizure, and we sent her off in an ambulance Better safe than sorry, and I wasn’t mad at her like everyone else.

My teammate today, she has a seizure disorder and life full of pain She has PTSD, and a host of physical situations, and personal situations I couldn’t tell at first if she was having a panic attack or seizing.

Last year when the Russian boy seized, I called it, and everyone came to our room. Too many people, all three nurses working the shift, because Everyone liked that kid. But today, only one nurse came, and not quickly. I was a little panicked. I said, Should I call 911, and a student yelled YES! SO I did. But I didn’t hear anyone answer at 911, so I returned to helping My teammate. I thought, let me show the kids how to care for someone and prioritize their health. My other teammates thought she was begging for more attention, because she always wants to confide about her feelings Fears and pain. I’m mostly attentive, because I like “easy” confidence connections Possible when people have low boundaries, those are my “people.” But in the past, I told this teammate, “I can’t talk right now— I have to prepare for the Day.” And she started verbally aggressing me about it, using hostile Jokes, and probing for me to apologize. She said she felt I ATTACKED HER. BECAUSE I SAID TO AN ADULT, Can you please tell me the story/issue later? She’s not a rational person, and is also insecurity to paranoia. She always thinks she’s going to be fired.

Today, my bosses came, and they were mad/annoyed that the police had Arrived, because I called 911. The first boss came and said, they had contacted the school, and was everything ok? She had explained it was “just a staff medical issue,” and sent them away. Then my other, more direct boss came and said, YOU GO TALK TO THE POLICE! THEY’RE HERE! And I had ALREADY gotten in trouble earlier about including an outside- service provider (physical therapist) on an email that including dirty company laundry, telling a story about a kid I was advocating for, and Never thought: wait, how might this get our school in trouble? What if the other person childlines claiming neglect, etc.? So she had begged me (nice about it, at least) to run all emails by her before sending them When issues arise, as they will. Because I don’t think in HR, PR mode. So I said I was sorry and agreed to it and went back to my class, Feeling a little dazed, because *getting in trouble, for ANYTHING is Triggering as hell. It’s hard to accept. I’m good at it now, but I wasn’t before.

I had to have things go wrong in so many ways among trying to work as a team and with supervisors, bosses, leaders, teachers So many communication that took a nose dive, crunched into asphalt Like the accordian car in the 4-car collision I saw Thursday on 79 south. This title cannot be reconstructed, the conversation/collaboration is Kaput beyond repair. Too much triggering communication. I got un Professional. And so “staying professional” is a high goal for me. And I’ve been doing great. Yesterday a coworker came and YELLED at me and my entire class, while being MISTAKEN about the issue, And talked OVER ME, and God Bless Hamas, I didn’t even blink. That’s my a teammate told me, it was amazing how I didn’t react To obvious disrespect by a peer. I made space for her rant, and even let her yell at my student. But I complained later, and THAT’S the email that landed me in HR. For including the outside agency on The email… The damn emails. Things sound great till they’re received. I thought I had checked off something on my to-do list when I sent it.

So back to the seizure. I was already distracted by the triggering sit down with my boss, then I see my teammate having a seizure, and barely anyone in the building responds to it. My boss comes, yells at me to go talk to the police Who have already been sent away. And I helped my teammate try to contact her Family to come pick her up. I felt so bad for her :(. She’s too sick to work But she needs the money :(. That’s so fucked up.

Nobody could come get her, but I had to leave her side to return to my class, where they were still scared, saying Ms. Alice is a nice Lady, is she going to die? Is she okay? We said she’s fine. Then on her own, she came BACK TO THE ROOM. To “sit.”

Bro, I was ready to be done with the day at that moment (9:30 AM). Instead, we pushed through it, and had a decent day with most of the class, enjoying our break from student C, who’s behaviors Are so distracting, and attention requiring, that it disrupts everything We love when he lays down and takes a nap. And if you observed our Group for a few hours, you’d see why, and not worry about his “education.”

Eventually Alice’s husband or daughter came to pick her up.

There’s a student at our school who I do truly think Would be better off dead. He’s just so miserable, hateful, racist, He just wanders around with red eyes (not allergies, just misery) Throwing paper airplanes. And he targets black staff, and uses The most vile racial threats and insults to try to get them to Hurt him. Sometimes he screams for them to fight or restrain him. When baseline, he instigates conflicts among peers, at expert level He brings out the worst in them, and he loves it. This teenage boy Almost 18, is fully broken. He’s probably going to shoot up a black Church if he can, if he ever gets “out” of the system. I can’t Lost my clearances, I’m a teacher not a vigilante, but I see things And I think things. If anyone should be culled, it’s these Type of white boys with uncontainable, racialized rage. I told my coworker, if only the cameras would go off for A few minutes, she agreed, feeling that, but not a real wish, just “If we could really make the world better right now” type of feeling Also, no one should have to work with him, like that, he’s not trying He obviously wants to die. But maybe a couple ass whoopings Would really help. I usually don’t think so. But I think this type of Boy only listens to masculine, physical military discipline Has has no innate conscience or sense of connection with anyone

I’ve seen him smile on the basketball court, during better weather But smiling once and awhile doesn’t mean they wouldn’t or won’t kill everyone and not cry later about it. Never cry about it.