xairea

How could anyone ever love me.

I just find myself wanting to visit SF again, staring out at the ocean as I sit by the bay. Fuck.

being suicidal has changed my life

at least, for the time being. i never took me being “suicidal” as a big deal, or feeling “depressed” as someone who had a serious underlying chemical relation to the disorder. yet, everytime i brought up such ideations to my friends, i would always be met with looks of concern, shock, disbelief and sympathy. i didn't know what the big deal was; after all, i didn't take my emotions seriously, and it showed in the way i would relay and confide my inner struggles and feelings to others. i laughed about ingesting pills, i fantasized about ending my life the day my parents left earth, and i always wondered how those around me would feel once i was gone. i guess taking upwards of 6-9 pills, twice, from august-september are not normal occurrences for the average human being. to me, it was a coping mechanism when i felt like i was at my lowest. it also was, secretly, a suicide attempt in hopes that something would go wrong. sometimes it feels like i exhaust all my attempts at trying; i seek therapy, rock climb, gym, cook, hang out with friends (irl/online), game, and even try to connect more with my family/cousins now. i'm still too sore and hurt to be dating, though. that i have no emotional capacity for and i am still sorry to the one guy i cancelled on. he checked up on me a lot but i didn't even have the emotional capacity to reply to him, hopefully he didn't take it too bad. maybe one day i'll try dating again, but for once, i actually don't think it's in my priority anymore. i'm not as torn up about being single. who'da thunk?

nowadays, i find myself crying – if not tearing up, in daily conversations and experiences that i have. i think for the entirety of september – today, i've cried every single day. today, before i was prescribed antidepressants, i had to fill out a survey of questions that indicated how severe my anxiety and depression were. i already teared off writing my date of birth, knowing that september 8, 1999 was always a date i was proud to tell people i was born, just to now constantly wish i would end that life soon. when asked how i feel about my parents leaving, i'm already tearing up. when thinking about whether or not i'll ever get married, i tear up. when asked if i see myself staying in montreal, i tear up. it's difficult feeling like i have none of the accomplishments i set out for myself, or feeling helpless and immobile in my own life.

i didn't understand the severity of me wanting to end my own life until i walked into my family doctor's office today. i've seen him before, and he's asked me previously if i ever felt suicidal or depressed, and i always shrugged or scoffed and thought, “of course not.” because clinically, i wasn't depressed. being sad about a guy, failing a midterm, or losing friend(s) didn't make me someone with depression. but today, i filled out a survey with 20+ questions that really brought attention to how severe my situation was. from 1-3, with 3 being the most severe, i answered many questions with a 3: feeling suicidal, attempting suicide, no motivation, feeling helpless, trouble sleeping, overthinking, the list goes on... and i've felt that way for a really, really long time. it wasn't until my family doctor made me promise him that i wouldn't kill myself, and if i did, that i was to rush to the ER before taking any impulsive actions. it wasn't until my family doctor told me i was too young to be making decisions like this. it wasn't until i broke down to my own mom about how i felt like i was struggling and failing in my life. it wasn't until i cried in front of my manager about how my mental health has been affecting my work. it wasn't until i finally cried every single hour today, just full on breaking down, that i realized the severity of my situation. that it really hit me that i AM depressed, and that's a serious thing. that i would be upsetting so many people and absolutely crushing them if i killed myself. that i have people cheering me on just for me to flip them off if i killed myself. i didn't understand the severity of my mental health until today, and it's like a wave and current of emotions all hit me at once, like it was goddamn hurricane milton and i was tampa bay, florida.

thankfully, now i'm prescribed celexa. citalopram to be exact. it's supposed to help increase my serotonin levels, and treat not just major depressive disorder but ALSO obsessive compulsive disorder – something i always thought i had but never actually dug into. i have absolutely, and objectively witnessed myself display OCD traits and i suppose it's not another label i want to add to my list. i mean, who wants to tell someone, “hey, i'm irene and i have adhd, bpd, ocd, anxiety and depression, nice to meet you!” cause i sure fucking don't, but it's who i am and i'll learn to be okay with that. i still struggle with trying not to feel like a failure for all that i've done (or failed to do, as my inner monologue would say), but i still think i need to take recovery one step at a time. i can't change things overnight, but i still have little things to look forward to, i guess.

mmmmmannn

re: reciprocity

i guess you pointed out that i don't text first, or how you facetime me first, but i'm just super scared to ever do anything first. the moment i initiate first, it'll always be me who does more. it's scary. i have SO MUCH love to give, i'm practically overpouring with it. but what happens if i give you all that love, because i'm sure that will scare you away. and i'm scared to give up the attention that i'm currently getting from you. i also understand though, that if you constantly go first, maybe you'll be tired of chasing me. maybe you'll be tired of the excitement of having irene. what happens if you see who i really am and decide you don't like me anymore? what happens when you find out the trauma of my life and my parents? how it's hard for me to talk to them? what happens if you find out i don't have as many friends as you, that my entire life i struggled with building relationships & maintaining them. that i wasn't the most friendly person, and that to this day i still struggle to keep friendships and battle my own inner thoughts everyday? what happens when you uncover more about my struggles with anxiety, bpd, depression, and motivation. what happens when you don't want to give me attention anymore due to being bored with me. i feel like the reason we made it this far is because i have to mentally restrain myself from throwing myself at you. if i start every convo, every good morning message, every facetime, and every other initiation – i'll hurt my own feelings. i'm always the one who loves more in every relationship i'm in. i would be atlas for the ones i love, bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. what happens... if you wouldn't do it back. i'm scared to give myself to you, to show you who i am, and to show you how hard i can love. do you deserve it? how long until i decide if you do? love me, show me, make me feel wanted. because you continue to surprise me, and i don't know how much longer i can keep my barriers up.

lksdfsdjlf

this is your reminder irene

calm the fucking breaks on your attachment

stop talking about long-term, end-game, greencard, 2/3/4 years down the line conversations – stop stop stop!!!

as my friend so lovingly put it, we/i need to see where things go with him, and the only guarantee that is happening is our trip in september. NOTHING else.

right now, we are exclusively seeing where things go, but it is still casual. and that means attachment may be capped at level 2. by discussing long-term topics, i am trying to reach levels 7,8,9 all while asking him to unlock a dungeon room – when he doesn't even have the key yet. or has unlocked any of the sidequests to even get the key.

so the fuck what if he calls me pet names, flirts, calls me baby/pookie – SO FUCKING WHAT. that doesn't mean anything since we are still CASUALLY EXCLUSIVELY seeing where things go.

what Irene can do to not go even deeper into attachment/release the floodgates:

• do not text first
• do not call him pet names in return
• ONLY match his energy first

therapy

• matched with a guy –> became 1 night stand (except not really)
• wanted to challenge my attachment style –> tendency to be overattached to people (josh, another guy named xiao) –> depression & self-hatred upon things not working out
• when he left the next day, i thought that would be that. except we continued to text each other as he claims he doesn't like leaving w people on bad terms / can be friends even after the fact. i was confused, definitely thought he'd see me as just a 'hole'
• he told me i should visit him in SF. obvi everyone says that, like when your friend is in calgary and theyre like “girl come visit! ill show u around the stampede” except there was clearly more going on. sexting, flirting, it was more than just... visiting a friend, i could tell.
• over text, i asked him straight up if he'd see anything happening between us, he claimed he thinks i'm cool and enjoyed our time, but didn't want to start a relationship over long distance –> prefers proximity – okay, fair enough.
• we actually do start talking more about me coming to SF, there is a kpop concert happening there that i was interested in going to. and he wants to see me again.
• again, i text him if he saw anything happening out of this trip, you know, what are his expectations, and he tells me that he'd love to get to know me more and see where it could go, but to not get my hopes up for anything happening this trip. this trip isn't a promise about getting a relationship out of it.
• eventually over the weekend i began to view this potential SF trip as a waste of time. bc even if we DID end up liking each other, nothing would come out of it because in the end, i thought, he didn't want anything long distance. so it's like i/we almost didn't stand a chance to begin with.
• i tell him we need to facetime in order to talk this out and that i had hesitancy with the trip. that i thought going was a waste of time.
• during our facetime call i ask him “don't you think this is a waste of time? you don't even want long distance. why would you want me coming over?” to which he tells me that “if i wasn't open to the idea, then we wouldn't be having this conversation to begin with” and that while nothing is guaranteed, for the right person he is willing to do long distance. also explains how clinicals don't allow him to meet people irl anyway, so if there was something there between us then he would be open to having that long distance.
• i start getting into my head and grilling him, asking him if he's sure we aren't being set up to fail from the start with his opinion on LDR, if he's thought about what 2,3,4 years could look like, if he's okay with communicating, and if he's considered the legality of a US/Canadian relationship end-game (greencard)
• he told me that i should just slow down and see this trip as a chance for us to get to know each other. i shouldn't be thinking of things like marriage or what's down the line for years to come yet.
• now we facetime everyday whenever he has time (i'm always free)
• i'm starting to like him but i'm also really hesitant. and scared. and worried i am making a mistake by agreeing to fly out to see my 1NS instead of pursuing something in canada, but i've just been so burnt out by dating within montreal that i think it put me in a vulnerable position to do this.
• we split the cost 50/50 for the flight ticket. makes me wonder if he truly doesn't have an interest in long distance as he INITIALLY (but not presently) said, why is he paying for me to come out?

• realized it's difficult for me to actually accept he might like me for me. how could anyone like me for me?

• recently found out he has over 20 bodies. i have 1. him.

• he solo-travelled asia to try and see the world before starting clinicals in january. so he racked up a good count. told me he wanted to settle down after the trip though (when he met me).

• i can't stop thinking that i'm just another body to him, or that i'll never amount to the girls he's been with, or that eventually he'll just break my heart and maybe i'm a total dumbass for even entertaining the idea of going to sf and starting something long distance with him to begin with.

• i'm very insecure. fuck. i need therapy.

if we have time: – manager makes me feel undervalued – only points out my mistakes – idk

da next therapy appointment

• bpd / depression
• feeling like a burden to everyone in my life
• had a board game night –> worried everyone just hates me
• get upset when my online friends can't play with me on nights i ask, worried i'll lose them, earth and anxiety collide whenever they say no – does this stem from a fear of abandonment
• suicidal jokes have become more prevalent, sometimes i even find peace with them
• i think back a lot to what my mom said to me as a kid – how she wished i was never born, it feels like a lot of issues just stem from that statement over and over again. how every event in my life links back to that one moment, like it's in the center of the web of my life.
• apparently i've been suggested to get more therapy to help gain more structure and to figure out how to stop negatively reinforcing the bad behaviors and thoughts in my life
• urge to disappear yet hold everyone as tightly as i can to myself, giving up is such a tempting thought but the disgust that comes with being alone is hard
• focusing hardcore on wanting a relationship, maybe to fill some void, i claim i'm not codependent in relationships but my actions seem to prove otherwise as i've recently had a thing with a guy for 3 weeks (unofficial) and when things ended, or he didn't reply in X amount of time, or he would point out things about the type of girls he was interested in & i didn't fit the list – i would take that as a reflection of me
• i think i really hate myself. i don't know what to do.

xiao

okay. will admit. moving on seems significantly easier in this moment than it did 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago was UTTER HELL on earth for me. i was very convinced everything was my fault, so let's work it out on the remix ™.

straight to the chase. what did simon and fern have in common?

• (mostly) accepted me for who i was. accepted. that is something xiao couldn't do, imo. with him, it was all about what HE wanted. what his ideal girl SHOULD have and SHOULDN'T be. it says a lot that the only two exes i've ever had were able to accept how crazy i was inside and out. i was scared to show xiao the less attractive sides of me and i understand now that what i look for a partner moving forward is unconditional love and acceptance for who i am. i'm not always perfect, but as a friend once told me, i have an overflowing amount of love to give. i am worthy of love back.
• willing to do activities + explore my interests with me. xiao was too, kind of, but also was a bit judgemental at times. about gaming, or illenium, and that is just scratching the surface since i've only known him for 3 weeks! wow! see, fern especially listened to illenium when i introduced the artist to him, but xiao was quick to dismiss it saying that it was “sadboi” music and never really gave it more of a listen. he also indirectly shit on me for loving gaming and being “nerdy”. told me he “grew out of” his gaming phase, lmfao. i can't be with a partner who dismisses my interests so quickly and makes me feel bad for liking the things i like. i need genuine interest and open-mindedness from a partner. xiao was judgemental and the opposite of that.
• accepted the not-so-perfect parts of me. my mental health. xiao flat out asked me “how frequent does that happen” when i tried opening up about my anxiety for the first time. i realize now what a disgusting fucking response that was to me opening up.

writing this all out, i realize us ending was for the best. i also realize that in the long run? we wouldn't have worked out. had i stayed, i would've been miserable having to constantly compromise the parts that make me irene. he wanted someone with all these traits – not irene. and i am so worthy of love, regardless of what criteria i meet or don't meet. i can't be with someone who lacked an open mind, wasn't accepting of the imperfect parts of me, and made me feel ashamed for liking the things that i did. this was a first for me – experiencing a thrilling chemistry with someone who didn't fit with me in any way.

and ps, have fun fixing the stupid fucking glitch on your unprofitable start-up :)

how lucky i am to have the life i have

forcing myself not to say something negative immediately after that statement, even though i probably will later on in this entry

i want to take a moment and appreciate all the people i have in my life rn

angie amanda dom mata (~) michael milca +other IRLs seattle vanessa you-hsuan

i have some other friends but am unsure if i should add them. will just keep it to this list for now...

i really don't recognize how lucky i am sometimes. stable job (i hope), living on my own, exploring a new city, making new irl friends, getting to play my favorite game with online friends. i have to keep trying.

are you serious?

why. why the FUCK would you break no contact with me. it’s been 2, almost 3 fucking months without speaking. what possible reason could you have for breaking no contact. you drive me fucking insane. you have angie annoyed, Milca and Vanessa pissed off, and my other friends just rolling their eyes at you. you are public enemy #1 to everyone in my life when it comes to me. a fuck up. nobody fucking likes you. except me, unfortunately. it took a lot of willpower to not add you back, really, it did. but my life can’t move forward if I take you back in my life.

I’ve been doing some reminiscing & I recalled the time I sat on my exes couch while you told me the sweetest words. How you liked me, how you didn’t want me to disappear, just the sweetest fucking words. I miss you so much. You didn’t just burn my life into flames, but also shone a light with those flames on the emptiest parts of me.

Why do you want me to add you back. Even worse, why am I almost considering it.

If only you knew the extent to how hard I’ve stalked you. Then you’d truly want nothing to do with me.

What would change if you came back into my life. For starters, I would demand certain things before we could ever move forward:

• don’t hide shit from me anymore. tell me about max, anney, tell me what weird groceries Ashley bought, tell me about Ryan, tell me about life after Judy. TELL ME about your fucking life instead of hiding it.
• APOLOGIZE. you NEVER apologize and if we’re ever going to be back in each others lives, it’s not starting until an apology is given.
• own up to your shit. why the fuck do you constantly ghost me and rearrange everything when I needed you most.

“needed you most” – oh but Irene, shouldn’t you lower your expectations of Josh? that’s too many eggs in his basket, no?

I CAN’T lower my expectations. not when it comes to you. that’s the FUCKING problem. you continue to disappoint me at every fucking corner and I’M NOT ABLE TO DECREASE MY FEELINGS FOR YOU. the ONLY option was to leave.

so it’s either you tell angie why the fuck you’re trying to re-enter my life, or you fuck right off. for both our sakes, I hope you come from a place of hostility instead of reconciliation. because what the fuck are you trying to do by re-entering my life, dumbass.