@[email protected]

So this is to be my go-to place when I struggle. Fine (yes, that meme).

I am 61 now. When I was 48 I was a badass, second-degree black belt. A real one. Then I wrecked my knee one training when I was hungover. Check yourself if you are ever here. Had I been present I would have simply lifted my leg. It was a simple exercise, manoeuvre. For the next year, I mourned my loss. The year following I started experiencing numbness in my little finger and a weird electrical shock when I bent my neck forward. Soon the numbness was creeping to more fingers and having a hot shower brought on a host of unsettling physical sensations. I went to the nearest doctor's office and suggested the need to see a neurologist – asap. I was present for this.

That was then. This is now. Pre-Covid I spent 5 years back and forth living in Belize. My MS was a drag but I adapted and rode a bike when walking was not working.

An old karate injury (not my knee but a hip issue) required surgery. When you have MS and are falling into a flare or relapse you are given methylprednisone. Don't – if you can help it. And Menopause I had that too. It was late, but it happened and since then (4 years) I can feel my MS progressing. Anyhow, today sucks again. My leg is being an ass.

Today is hard. I needed plants, easy care ferns for my patio. It sounds so simple. My walking deteriorated with every step. I am a hazard. Using my cane to navigate the rows of tiny and large, many-coloured plants, it is hard to focus on choice. It is hard to just exist with my body once strong, now unreliable.

I found some ferns, soft and chaotic. I simply decided on Thai mint and chives for herbs. I am relying on a bigger trust than in my sole choice. There is not enough energy or capacity to take too long with decisions. I made it home, even stopping one more time to get some groceries. Slow and sad, I made it

Today is not great. My loss is here for the time. Permission is given to feel this reality with every unstable step.

I have MS. It has been 12 years now and I have lost my ability to walk freely. I watch people's feet now. When I see people moving around , I have feels.

I am resilient but holy fucking Hanna, this sucks.