xiao
okay. will admit. moving on seems significantly easier in this moment than it did 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago was UTTER HELL on earth for me. i was very convinced everything was my fault, so let's work it out on the remix ™.
straight to the chase. what did simon and fern have in common?
- (mostly) accepted me for who i was. accepted. that is something xiao couldn't do, imo. with him, it was all about what HE wanted. what his ideal girl SHOULD have and SHOULDN'T be. it says a lot that the only two exes i've ever had were able to accept how crazy i was inside and out. i was scared to show xiao the less attractive sides of me and i understand now that what i look for a partner moving forward is unconditional love and acceptance for who i am. i'm not always perfect, but as a friend once told me, i have an overflowing amount of love to give. i am worthy of love back.
- willing to do activities + explore my interests with me. xiao was too, kind of, but also was a bit judgemental at times. about gaming, or illenium, and that is just scratching the surface since i've only known him for 3 weeks! wow! see, fern especially listened to illenium when i introduced the artist to him, but xiao was quick to dismiss it saying that it was “sadboi” music and never really gave it more of a listen. he also indirectly shit on me for loving gaming and being “nerdy”. told me he “grew out of” his gaming phase, lmfao. i can't be with a partner who dismisses my interests so quickly and makes me feel bad for liking the things i like. i need genuine interest and open-mindedness from a partner. xiao was judgemental and the opposite of that.
- accepted the not-so-perfect parts of me. my mental health. xiao flat out asked me “how frequent does that happen” when i tried opening up about my anxiety for the first time. i realize now what a disgusting fucking response that was to me opening up.
writing this all out, i realize us ending was for the best. i also realize that in the long run? we wouldn't have worked out. had i stayed, i would've been miserable having to constantly compromise the parts that make me irene. he wanted someone with all these traits – not irene. and i am so worthy of love, regardless of what criteria i meet or don't meet. i can't be with someone who lacked an open mind, wasn't accepting of the imperfect parts of me, and made me feel ashamed for liking the things that i did. this was a first for me – experiencing a thrilling chemistry with someone who didn't fit with me in any way.
and ps, have fun fixing the stupid fucking glitch on your unprofitable start-up :)