therapy
- matched with a guy –> became 1 night stand (except not really)
- wanted to challenge my attachment style –> tendency to be overattached to people (josh, another guy named xiao) –> depression & self-hatred upon things not working out
- when he left the next day, i thought that would be that. except we continued to text each other as he claims he doesn't like leaving w people on bad terms / can be friends even after the fact. i was confused, definitely thought he'd see me as just a 'hole'
- he told me i should visit him in SF. obvi everyone says that, like when your friend is in calgary and theyre like “girl come visit! ill show u around the stampede” except there was clearly more going on. sexting, flirting, it was more than just... visiting a friend, i could tell.
- over text, i asked him straight up if he'd see anything happening between us, he claimed he thinks i'm cool and enjoyed our time, but didn't want to start a relationship over long distance –> prefers proximity – okay, fair enough.
- we actually do start talking more about me coming to SF, there is a kpop concert happening there that i was interested in going to. and he wants to see me again.
- again, i text him if he saw anything happening out of this trip, you know, what are his expectations, and he tells me that he'd love to get to know me more and see where it could go, but to not get my hopes up for anything happening this trip. this trip isn't a promise about getting a relationship out of it.
- eventually over the weekend i began to view this potential SF trip as a waste of time. bc even if we DID end up liking each other, nothing would come out of it because in the end, i thought, he didn't want anything long distance. so it's like i/we almost didn't stand a chance to begin with.
- i tell him we need to facetime in order to talk this out and that i had hesitancy with the trip. that i thought going was a waste of time.
- during our facetime call i ask him “don't you think this is a waste of time? you don't even want long distance. why would you want me coming over?” to which he tells me that “if i wasn't open to the idea, then we wouldn't be having this conversation to begin with” and that while nothing is guaranteed, for the right person he is willing to do long distance. also explains how clinicals don't allow him to meet people irl anyway, so if there was something there between us then he would be open to having that long distance.
- i start getting into my head and grilling him, asking him if he's sure we aren't being set up to fail from the start with his opinion on LDR, if he's thought about what 2,3,4 years could look like, if he's okay with communicating, and if he's considered the legality of a US/Canadian relationship end-game (greencard)
- he told me that i should just slow down and see this trip as a chance for us to get to know each other. i shouldn't be thinking of things like marriage or what's down the line for years to come yet.
- now we facetime everyday whenever he has time (i'm always free)
- i'm starting to like him but i'm also really hesitant. and scared. and worried i am making a mistake by agreeing to fly out to see my 1NS instead of pursuing something in canada, but i've just been so burnt out by dating within montreal that i think it put me in a vulnerable position to do this.
- we split the cost 50/50 for the flight ticket. makes me wonder if he truly doesn't have an interest in long distance as he INITIALLY (but not presently) said, why is he paying for me to come out?
realized it's difficult for me to actually accept he might like me for me. how could anyone like me for me?
recently found out he has over 20 bodies. i have 1. him.
he solo-travelled asia to try and see the world before starting clinicals in january. so he racked up a good count. told me he wanted to settle down after the trip though (when he met me).
i can't stop thinking that i'm just another body to him, or that i'll never amount to the girls he's been with, or that eventually he'll just break my heart and maybe i'm a total dumbass for even entertaining the idea of going to sf and starting something long distance with him to begin with.
i'm very insecure. fuck. i need therapy.
if we have time: – manager makes me feel undervalued – only points out my mistakes – idk