in a week, i'm going to talk to you.
i'm making a vow that we will talk. but i have to be smart and give it time.
points to touch upon:
- the pills thing/sensitivity. this can't be something you bring up anymore. why am i bringing up something from the past? didn't we move on? well, not quite. it's something you kind of avoided when i did bring it up, and i can appreciate that you may not have had the bandwidth or space to deal with that conversation because of personal things going on in your life, and maybe to an extent you were just avoidant about it. but this is clearly something that bothers you, and if we don't talk about it properly, this will be something you'll continue to bring up in future conversations we have. that's just the facts unfortunately. i was wrong for taking the pills, and i want you to understand that i didn't mean to impose this burden on you. rather, i just wanted you to understand how badly your actions (ghosting) hurt me. to an extent, i also wanted you to understand how important our dynamic is to me. you may not be aware but it's been pretty hard on me not having us talk the way we used to, and i know that isn't completely your fault. it might not be either of our faults. but i still want to voice my feelings regardless, otherwise how would you know? i feel like you may see me as someone instable who'll just try to kill herself and has up and down moments, but i am going to therapy now and i really, really am trying to work on it. i am. it's not easy, and i won't lie having you in my life makes me a lot happier & makes things a lot easier, but if there are issues you have with me and those pills... i want you to talk to me about it. i don't want you to throw it in my face if we ever have an argument again. that statement is many things, but at the very least, it's ... rude, isn't it? wouldn't you agree? you are so important to me josh, so stop being redundant about communicating with me. if that shit bothers you in the back of your head, and i'm sure it does since you have brought it up twice before out of nowhere, tell me that shit. i don't run away, josh. i'm not going to be mad if you bring up your feelings to me. i'm on your side always, and i want us to work out shit together, not be against each other.
- please don't run away. i don't know if you're aware, but you are pretty avoidant. i think similar to what i just said... i wish you felt ok to talk to me about things. like if i come up to you expressing you crossed a boundary, i wish you told me something like “we can talk about this later, i just have a lot going on”, like, it kinda sucks to be left in the dust for days waiting for a response i know i'm probably not gonna get. i don't know about you, but if issues ever come up between us, my initial reaction is to talk things out. like i'm a really “us vs problem” kind of person, and that's why i kept stressing communication. because communication lead to you ghosting me, to our dynamic being disrupted, to the pills, to less talking, to less everything good in my life basically. but i'm really upset that your reaction is to just avoid. that when/if you go into fight or flight mode, the problem will just disappear if you disappear. josh, i want to stress that i care about you a lot, you are so fucking important to me, and in the future i really want us to talk things out if shit comes up. i don't like being left out to dry for a few days when i finally decide to voice my feelings. obviously, recently shit came up, but i also think even if there wasn't shit, you might've just avoided me regardless. and josh, even if you have to avoid me, i don't think it's a lot to ask for for you to give me a heads up. like “i'll talk to you tomorrow”, or “i need some space to cool down but we can pick this up tomorrow.” like it's just unfair on me, and i've tried so hard to be patient, but... this is something i need from you.
this was something i've been meaning to say to you, but as you could tell, we just never had the right time. i do think now is the only time i've ever gotten where i could finally talk about it. i know it's a lot. but i'm only having this convo with you because i really, really care and value our friendship.