i take a step outside, look up, and constantly reflect every decision i've made up until this point.
i've been in so much pain the past few days. it's a constant cycle of my self worth being questioned, the envious stares i extend towards everyone around me, and the never-ending feeling of my heart constantly burning.
it's like with every step i take, there's an anvil crushing my airway. i've never felt so unlovable the past 4 days than i ever have in a while.
i started to adore someone new i was talking to. someone that made me feel seen, who enjoyed the games i did, and who shared very similar lifestyle choices to the ones i felt alone in. not a familiar feeling i've been accustomed to, a new seed of hope started to grow inside of me. before i knew it, i was a victim to this man's affection. countless nights spent staying up until 3 in the morning talking about anything & everything, sharing vulnerabilities, cheering and hyping each other up, and going into detail about each other's days & upcoming plans. this was someone new i was sharing my life with and i felt hopeful for what was to come.
we had two dates planned during the two weeks we were talking: thursday, june 26 and canada day – july 1. i was so excited to show up in a cute dress, and meet the man who had me feeling things i thought i kept locked away in my heart.
before i knew it, on tuesday night those dates were cancelled out of thin air. i don't know where it all went wrong. that tuesday night was the first time in 7 months that it felt like the blood in my veins turned into pure ice. my body in full shock. the only time i've felt that way was 7 months prior, when my previous manager told me i was to be placed on a PIP.
upon the cancellation of our dates, i spent the next 2 hours in the public bathroom floor wailing, screaming, and breaking down — wondering why, just for once in my life, was i never good enough. good enough for love, good enough to be chosen, and good enough for good things to come my way.
i thought i did everything right: i showed up earnestly, i communicated in a healthy manner, and i had nothing but love to give around. i was so hopeful, genuine, excited, and full of adoration for the man on the other side of the screen.
(unable to write more at this moment)
ultimately, i feel like no matter how hard i try, good things aren't meant to come my way.