da next therapy appointment
- bpd / depression
- feeling like a burden to everyone in my life
- had a board game night –> worried everyone just hates me
- get upset when my online friends can't play with me on nights i ask, worried i'll lose them, earth and anxiety collide whenever they say no – does this stem from a fear of abandonment
- suicidal jokes have become more prevalent, sometimes i even find peace with them
- i think back a lot to what my mom said to me as a kid – how she wished i was never born, it feels like a lot of issues just stem from that statement over and over again. how every event in my life links back to that one moment, like it's in the center of the web of my life.
- apparently i've been suggested to get more therapy to help gain more structure and to figure out how to stop negatively reinforcing the bad behaviors and thoughts in my life
- urge to disappear yet hold everyone as tightly as i can to myself, giving up is such a tempting thought but the disgust that comes with being alone is hard
- focusing hardcore on wanting a relationship, maybe to fill some void, i claim i'm not codependent in relationships but my actions seem to prove otherwise as i've recently had a thing with a guy for 3 weeks (unofficial) and when things ended, or he didn't reply in X amount of time, or he would point out things about the type of girls he was interested in & i didn't fit the list – i would take that as a reflection of me
- i think i really hate myself. i don't know what to do.