Tardis

Since I decided to lead you all into a bit of background, I thought posting on how I discovered being plural. The next few posts will contain a continuation of the journey and steps I have decided to take on for a better life.

The beginning

It, unfortunately, is not the beginning to the end as the famous Doctor Who episode by Big Finish, but it is a beginning to something, alright? It was about 2017 when I discovered I was a little bit different from my friends. Considering that none of them really tried playing an RPG-like game to battle depression, or had self talks with not only a monologue, but whole dialogues about choices, life and other such things. Now, I'm aware that disorders do not unlock at the same time for all, but I was neither a child, nor a fully grown up adult. So it started that way, but three or so years later, I had a some what tragic story in life, which unlocked everything else. I have had blackouts in the past – basically blackout, but not in the term of feinting, more in the sense of a memory blackout where things I did not do surfaced up. Did I not do them, or did I do them and not remembered? It was the latter, it turned out, and I decided, in the pandemic period to pay more attention to myself.

What did I see in myself?

What I saw in myself were, as I mentioned above, the memory blackouts, or amnesia, if you wish to call it so. I had, and still partly have an identity crises on who exactly am I. That, as you might probably be thinking now, turned out to be a downfall, quite much, in fact. Depression, anxiety, you name it. And then probably the questions of how I came to such conclusions will arise, and here I must repeat that these were careful self observations through the pandemic – how I behaved, with self and people, with family, friends, etc. I'm quite sure we all put on a little bit of a different face depending on who we meet. But I must say, that doing so is going to inevitably lead us to a little bit, or more of a doom. And why do I use such a word? Because masks and faces slip off, they crack, and they break, and it is only a matter of time before the real you shows up. Of course, I have other things to say about the real you or me, for that matter, but those shall be discussed in a different post along this path.

Discovery and results

So, as I said, observations and more so. They lead to the conclusion that not only was I different, but I was never diagnosed for ADHD – a condition quite hard to explain, full of impulsiveness, hyperactivity, focus on things, extremely. And I doubt I will be the only one who says this, but distracting someone and getting them out of their hyperfocus situation is probably going to illicit a quite internally, and sometimes possibly externally angry individual. So, with that strange discovery, I did eventually ask why I was not diagnosed. Simple answer, people don't care enough, or I would have to be on a plan of education that would have potentially destroyed my future of university or work, etc. I got officially diagnosed with Misophonia, though, so that was something I was both satisfied and unsatisfied with, although I have learned to deal with its symptoms to a greater degree. Plurality, or what caused it, however, was not diagnosed, so when I tried presenting to psychologist here, I was greatly dismissed, and they said they understand, but there is no treatment they could help with. Great times, right? I thought so, until I decided that I will rather self deal with what I got than to rely on a few centuries old system, stigmas, labels and all these cultural things which label you as not okay and make people stay away from you. In short, this is how it all happened. And I shall speak in detail more about all things I mentioned, hopefully, in a next post. Until then, if you have reached the end of this one, you get a heart from me, a smile and a huge thank you for sticking with me.

Follow me on mastodon at https://tardis.pw/@tardis/ Thank you, have a little multicoloured heart and a smile! :)