from xairea
mmmmmannn
re: reciprocity
i guess you pointed out that i don't text first, or how you facetime me first, but i'm just super scared to ever do anything first. the moment i initiate first, it'll always be me who does more. it's scary. i have SO MUCH love to give, i'm practically overpouring with it. but what happens if i give you all that love, because i'm sure that will scare you away. and i'm scared to give up the attention that i'm currently getting from you. i also understand though, that if you constantly go first, maybe you'll be tired of chasing me. maybe you'll be tired of the excitement of having irene. what happens if you see who i really am and decide you don't like me anymore? what happens when you find out the trauma of my life and my parents? how it's hard for me to talk to them? what happens if you find out i don't have as many friends as you, that my entire life i struggled with building relationships & maintaining them. that i wasn't the most friendly person, and that to this day i still struggle to keep friendships and battle my own inner thoughts everyday? what happens when you uncover more about my struggles with anxiety, bpd, depression, and motivation. what happens when you don't want to give me attention anymore due to being bored with me. i feel like the reason we made it this far is because i have to mentally restrain myself from throwing myself at you. if i start every convo, every good morning message, every facetime, and every other initiation – i'll hurt my own feelings. i'm always the one who loves more in every relationship i'm in. i would be atlas for the ones i love, bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. what happens... if you wouldn't do it back. i'm scared to give myself to you, to show you who i am, and to show you how hard i can love. do you deserve it? how long until i decide if you do? love me, show me, make me feel wanted. because you continue to surprise me, and i don't know how much longer i can keep my barriers up.
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