most grown-ups know that having expectations leads almost directly to disappointment. Having no expectations leads to pleasant surprise. Human life is short. I mean some animal lives are really short like can you believe octopus only lives for up to 10 years? Your very best friends, dogs and cats won’t go past 20? The expectation to figure out everything in this lifetime is unrealistic. I’m grateful for how far I’ve gotten. And I’m sorry for the ignorance and shitty things I’ve done. I’ve done tons and tons of shitty stupid things. But I’ve also always done my best in that moment. One thing I always knew I could never expect is for my mom to take care of herself. I could count on my dad to take care of her. And even my sisters. And I knew she might take care of herself after all how did she get to almost ¾ of a century without making positive decisions. I could focus more on all the things I love about her. Loving my mom is loving myself because we’re so much alike. But I did always wish that she would actually take care of yourself enough to offer the freedom of care to others so that it didn’t arrive in a bitter package, the help. So that she didn’t seem so frail and selectively confused and even frightening just like grandpa. There’s not going back into the past, that’s fine, but if only you would be confident for one full day. Show me what that’s like. Show me what it’s like to take responsibility for yourself rather than trying to help people with the same problems that you also have yourself. Ask a question and then listen to the answer and comprehend it. There’s no doubt she’s a genius to me. There’s no doubt about her intelligence, but her presence is highly dubitable. It’s the anxiety and the ADHD and you just never really get through past that. It’s like someone in a coma who sometimes comes awake. Well, not that bad. And also not that good or simple. Like a vampire that sometimes comes awake.