Green and Red All Over
I joined the Green Party in my local area in January, but I’m not sure if it’s right for me. There are 10 things you have to agree to agree with, and I do, so that’s not the problem. It’s just me. I might not be able to act like an adult around adults in the most productive way. I can’t even be sober sometimes. One time, I was sickeningly drunk (almost never do it) during the video conference, and I had to just lay down on the couch and listen. Then this week, on a state meeting video call, I was tired, and getting a little drunk, and of course smoking and I couldn’t follow all the details, procedures, passing motions pressing concerns, etc. This meeting lasted like 3 hours. I’d be planning to attend all week. I’m proud of myself for doing something, anything with real people in real life. And these are decent people. I want to be in a social group. They even elected me for something (among 12 people). But I don’t think they’d vote for me again, because my bitch side came out after I lost track of wtf they were talking about in the video meeting, and 2 potential candidates spoke to us, (this combines the previous meeting, where the lady spoke to us) about the idea of running for this and that for the Green Party at the state level. I’m even signed up for future events, at the CAPITOL. I agreed to do things. I never do that. But on the video call that lasted too long, people talking forever, and this guy comes on says he wants to run Green Party for Governer, against Fetterman’s big back mfin self, I got upset. The sound of his voice triggered me. His appearance triggered me. I thought, this is exactly the type of grifter the party does NOT need. So I typed “No thank you” in the chat while he was speaking. I should’ve logged off right away, knowing damn well that I always fuck up my vote. I shouldn’t vote on things. I shouldn’t be asked to vote. I always vote wrong, for the wrong reasons. Apparently, I’ m an awful predictor of what will happen politically. I’ve been wrong, shocked, appalled, depressed so much, I actually hate the idea of voting at all. But we had to listen to this guy and to me he looked like a “cool youth leader” at a “cool” church. Honestly I knew nothing about him. Never heard of him, but I hated him, instantly. I should’ve ran away from the chat, but instead I wrote that if I’m going to campaign for something (because they were arguing about how no one wants to work hard enough on a campaign and the same people have to do all the work), I have to be “emotionally” sure that the candidate is trustworthy and hasn’t been soliciting underage girls for sex, and that they wouldn’t immediately negotiate so weakly that their positions and votes are unrecognizable from their campaign positions. So I said that, and that I laid down on my loveseat in my office, and listened. Then I felt bad and when the vote got sent out, I voted “yes” on that guy, because I felt guilty for being a dick to him while he was trying to sell himself to us in the chat, and also I had text-bombed the person I know best in the Green Party to tell him I hated the sound of the fucking guy’s voice, I wanted him to STFU, and was going to mute him. But true to form, I voted against myself, and for him, and he got our vote. Afterward, my closest contact said we have to be kind to people and assume the best of them, and I felt bad, but I also disagreed, because that’s how we got here. But I said maybe I shouldn’t be doing this because I don’t have the patience for this. I’m not kind anymore. I’m not going to assume the best about people. Not at all. So Idk what’s next. Pretend it never happened, maybe. Me crashing out in the chat and rage quitting.