Boson

Everything I generally try to guard on personal problems and challenges.

Usually, I never show my vulnerable side to people; no matter how bad the situation is, I either cry alone or with family and show a smiling face to everyone else. It's partly from my mom's teachings. Every friend or person who met me knows me only as someone who always smiles.

Now, I am aware that everyone faces hardships, and there is not one smooth ride for any life in the universe. I am neither shy nor try to feel strong by not showing my vulnerable side to friends and others. It's simply that I don't want to bother others with my perils and trauma. It's not that Boson is leading rosy days every day, not that there are no panic attacks, not that there are no palpitations, not that there are no insurmountable ache that overwhelms all other things often that make me think it's better to sleep more and forget all this reality.

Okay, let me open up everything I have done wrong so far, not to find closure or forget them after writing, but to own up as a character, face them again, and move forward, taking lessons from each case. After facing these in this post, we will talk of grateful things here. But sit back, get popcorn, enjoy the stories, and let's laugh and cry together; it will be long.

Note: This post is more challenging for me to write personally; I have to sleep through to control the palpitations and shivers, just rethinking some things, but I know I have to do it. I have to face them all and let them pass over me and through me for the sake of myself and everyone I care about and will have to care.

---

• My birth was unwanted by my dad. It's as simple as that. If I have to talk about my dad in one simple sentence – “He has a fear of the future and kids not supporting parents, so he doesn't want kids nor not consider any family responsibility that comes from it”. So, Mom raised us, fed us, and taught us, with whom we share everything, even though she raised my dad too without him spending anything from his salary for decades. Yes, I know, nobody wants to believe it.
• 1 week after birth, newborn Jaundice.
• On my first birthday, while everyone was posing for photos, I cut my tongue with a steel knife. There could be a correlation between my current tongue sensitivity and gash on the tongue from that day.
• Late talker in life, my mom seriously doubted and took me to the hospital, thinking if there needed to be intervention.
• I was not a big thinker or a topper in school days, and I often cared only for simple science and math curiosity.
• The easiest target for a bully in school is often the youngest in class, the shortest, having no fashion sense, and usually being isolated. Lucky me, I was a perfect match for bullies.
• Four fractures in school days in four years on both hands. Maybe food habits or maybe a vicious cycle of weak physiology and no strengthening.
• Mostly healthy childhood except for a lung issue once, which required a few days of hospital admission.
• Malaria in high school. Plasmodium falciparum variant. Intravenous injections for a week saved me. The weakened immune system then had to face a dozen more hits because of this.
• There are two groups in those days which are a constant toll on mental health – ofc with reasons being our property and money.
• Engineering math is the most significant sudden change for me. Somewhere along the way, theoretical math has lost meaning to me, unlike applied math and science.
• I was sensitive and used to cry at university for silly reasons. I still do lol.
• I heard about IIT at this point in life and was down for weeks because I missed the chance to try it.
• Always was a fan of robotics and electronics, after losing interest in public sector jobs, mainly from the internship experience in hundreds of megawatts power station when 16 years old.
• Planned to go to Germany for a Master's in Electrical Engineering and thought of PhD in same field.
• I never bothered about my GPA as long as I learned something new every semester.
• A sudden change of mind made me choose GATE in CSE, with no background in AI or much in coding. Primarily, Assembly and MATLAB at that time.
• Ankle fracture in university before exams.
• I got called a stalker for the first and last time.
• First panic attack in life for no reason. Did watching Suits TV panic attacks make my brain vicariously imitate the actions, or are such things innate in my body from genetic and epigenetic predisposition? I had to take pills to recover
• Had a first crush, maybe because of her hair. After months, I faced her one day and realised she has a boyfriend, or perhaps I scared her to lie too.
• I joined the master's program without going to the industry for experience or understanding the concept of coding projects. Only understood theory from textbooks and typical algorithm implementations. So, I had a second panic attack when facing assignments.
• Some of those days are so stressful that mom has to hug and pat me so I can get sleep. Some days are too much for me to wake up from the bed.
• Knee fracture in masters university. It's the most severe fracture in life so far. It made way for the harshest physiotherapy and ligament issues because of three months in the cast and bed rest.
• Another two crushes for a few weeks. Mutual crushes this time.
• The core cause still exists, and the degree has yet to be finished. Research work is still pending. Often days, I give up doing anything and am not able to think, not able to reach out for help, not wanting to talk to not just friends but not even family for weeks, not able to change the habit loops, not able to control the panic and anxiety, not able to push through fully.
• Not everything is as rosy now as shown in the diary
• There were suicidal thoughts but never to the extreme; analysing the options, the heat of a moment thoughts when the situation is too severe. The escape mechanisms should not be perennial, for they never solve the underlying root cause.
• I have recently been angry at someone for no reason and wrote things I would not have even thought of, adding severity to show my silly anger. Maybe I have changed during these months; perhaps I am just immature and socially awkward when it comes to feelings, or maybe I am projecting other issues onto an innocent person for no reason and victimising them for my issues. Perhaps all of these. But I know I did something serious. I cannot guess the full effects of my words, but I can at least see the pain if someone uses the exact words on me.
• Yes, I cried for my behaviour towards them; maybe I am still sensitive, but I deserve to feel bad for what I said and made them feel.
• I have decided to push more on my work and reading, which is never a healthy step from what I am reading on mental health and physiology, but I have decided to leave Discord after months. I have a bucket list, but those have to wait until I finish the more urgent research. I have close friends to talk to, but I don't approach them for the same reason I said at the start. All the issues I ever do are dealt with by myself or the direct person (even if late).
• After finishing this work and thinking more clearly, let me see if I have become the true me. Maybe it's time to test the medication limits finally, given they should have started taking effects by now after weeks.