wild dogs can’t be broken
I dreamed about a fairy dog who started as a kitten no leash, in the city I worry for her and pet her and she grows under my hands and eyes into a tall, lean afgan or russian grayhound. or a whippet, but undernourished, like a rescue but with airy, celestial hair (someone’s beloved)
The fairy dog was magical and as soon as it grew into young adult size (within a matter of 10 or so seconds), it bounded away from me, wildly. There were other small kittens and potential pets in the dream, And I’m all of them, Think how I crashed out and got fired last week I may be starved of care and nourishment, I may have been running a marathon for these kids in the orphanage showing up every day and not taking a break to pee I was chained up there to my salary and to profit-based non-profit rules and regulations, the first of which is, don’t show your humanity Don’t show your animal nature. That you need to rest or eat or that you’re scared or that something warrants flee, freeze, or fight or barking if nothing else, but not calmly continuing on like that bearing everything patiently, marching toward a dead end wall: salary dead end. “Oh get more degrees…”. No. Work harder in some way! No. Put in more time. No. Get 2 jobs.
no.
Who says no? The executive director of my personhood. We have retired from formally teaching students under 18. We didn’t quit because of the kids, though. But we won’t do it anymore.
I find myself humming around the house. Petting my pets for hours. Gazing at the wall, watching sunlight and shadows. Rent will always be due, and I could pay more than I’m worth for taking a few weeks on loan (but I do pay taxes, so UC was mine to begin with, or something)– It’s not fraud. I need food, housing, and health care to survive.
Even if I fucked up! Even if I crashed out! Even if I said things most adults would dread to yell, like a crazy case of tourette’s or something, I was shameless. Swearing at kids smfh.
It wasn’t all my fault though. to the bitches i left behind i wana say (you know) FUCK YOU BITCHES always on your damn phones fuck you guys couldn’t watch the kids for 10 minutes when i’m there i was doing too much angelic, insubstantial, skeletal
and that is what i’m done with psychologically, most of all. I’m ABOSLUTELY NOT AI. don’t want to be, never will be. Deal with humanity. Like the “New Deal” … make jobs and income… fuck. IT WOULD BE SO EASY FOR THEM, TOO. THE MONEY to improve our lives by 500% would be pennies to them. to the rich, of course. the ones who still think that they can make us like them. scare us enough. they never try another strategy.
they’re mud and we’re horses