we project our anxiety we protect our guilt and rage there are different kinds of hate Tonight I’ll confess one that’s petty and hypocritical And a product of a long winter With my flatmate
She rents a room and I rent the flat I’m an older, single woman She’s a younger single woman I’m conscientious, she’s carefree I’m a smoker and a drinker She’s an artificial food addict
She probably ate 5000 cal today Of frozen, artificial food +3 men’s serving size of meat Mini hotdog, ground beef, Pepperoni, bacon, ham
I hate the sound of her putting on lotion Or washing her hands with soap The slimy fast way she does it
She says she doesn’t do politic She shops at all the places I’m boycotting She watches 10 hours of TV Per day, copaganda shows All day long, cops, cops, cops While binge eating
She likes artificially bright colors She’s like a blind rat Never turns on the lights just fumbles around She’s the laziest person I’ve ever ever met Does every single thing half assed Like she’s in a hurry to get back to the TV She verbally interacts with every commercial Saying all the fast food looks yummy, Yum, Wendy’s, McDonald’s Yum, Starbucks, Yum, hot pockets
Then she watches TikTok and laps hysterically at the same videos Every day I shut my door She never shuts her door
Her shit smells like decomposing, artificial food, of course Rancid poptarts and cheese its She hides the Mountain Dew in her room and just chugs it Then comes out and talks about herself in front of me I guess that’s supposed to be conversation but I just tell her to stop
I overhear her talking to her siblings Long distance and I cannot believe How rude she is to them They ask questions, they express care She talks about what she’s watching on And what she’s about to make In the kitchen
After cooking in the kitchen, it’s like a child was in there Greasy knobs, dirty sink, grimy, stove, top, splattered microwave
When I say her name, she pretends, she didn’t hear me She thinks she’s treating me like I treat her But normal conversations include a greeting, an introduction, a stated message and the closure that involves both people
A conversation is not talking about yourself while ignoring the person you’re talking to
There’s not a minute that goes by where it’s just quiet coming from her room where she’s sitting with herself or thinking about something or reading a book or learning something
Her IQ is probably like a nine-year-old and not a smart one But she has the nerve to complain about people who don’t speak English
Whenever I tell her something, she pretends that she was just about to say the same thing or to tell me the same thing
The stupid competitiveness The stupid bids for attention
I work with kids during the day and have to juggle and manage constant bids for attention and it’s part of the job that most of them are inappropriate
But at home, if my roommate wants to make a bid for my attention, it needs to be direct and concise
A lot of the vocalizing she does is just stimming because she’s on the spectrum. But she doesn’t shut her door to do it And it sounds so weird and creepy And then she’ll just do a long loud fart
After saying all this, you might not believe that I care about her and that I’ve done concrete things for her and been verbally supportive
She’s also done concrete things for me and shown that she cared when I was sick and when I asked her for help with things. She’s taken into account some of my feedback about her, needing to clean up after herself
After she takes a shower, there’s tons of dirt and hair on the floor of the bath Has she ever cleaned the bathroom in five years? Of course not
When you think about how there’s no justice regarding at least on first glance who’s allowed to live, and who has to die, this one is a thorn in the side. why so many people like this live in America? In a culture that thinks a shopping mall is beautiful and that is fine with empire and genocide as long as it doesn’t affect their world? why should she go on eating the world‘s share of the meat?
She practices a religion. She can’t believe in because it’s bullshit, but she’s still pretends and goes to the church and Network with those people.
Mormonism, the most seriously stupid American thing ever invented. Perfect example of being culturally devoid of spiritual, emotional or physical meaning. Literally all they do is scam people for money. She used to invite the female missionaries over for a meal once in a while.
I hated them so much it ruined my evenings at home when they came. They would ask me What has Jesus done for you today? The smiley, blonde, innocent, young missionaries So naïve, so white, so empty
Also, so evil
Why should they live and thrive?
How many people in America are kind of like this? Like my roommate?
I’m a special kind of shitty and so there’s not that many people like me
But how many are like her? No real interests prioritizing consumption, no real values or beliefs, chases, trends, tunes out for years at a time, not really generous, not creative, not skilled, not careful, and having directly toward a heart attack? Or diabetes?
I mean, at least she doesn’t smoke cigarettes, they are probably lots of people like her that also smoke cigarettes. Sometimes I smoke cigarettes. And I told myself to shut the fuck up with all my irritations and judgment because I’m over here, risking lung cancer and feeling better than thou because I’m not obese or addicted to my phone.
She’s always got her head bent over that phone and her neck is gonna get stuck that way.
She’s enjoying life more than me, she’s happier than me, but that’s not the point or the problem.
Does everyone have secret beliefs about who does and doesn’t deserve to be alive? I mean, I actually don’t deserve to be alive. Or maybe a deserve to be alive, but not happy. Or maybe I deserve to be happy, but choose not to be.
I mean, there is no deserve this or deserve that; it’s just a way to understand the hypocrisies of my own morality. It just seems like the cultures on the people who made the greatest things and have the greatest talent and the most beauty and all these things you know they got cut down
But fat Americans, smoking cigarettes and addicted to their cell phones, watching stupid videos and laughing while slavery and mass incarceration creep, closer and closer, and I’ve always been knocking at the door Like don’t you wanna do something with your life?