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CAREERS

Grocery store pros: can steal food, will have air conditioning in summer, close to home. Grocery store cons: hate being there already, especially the music on the overhead system. Also, I’m liable to go off on rude people, and people will be rude.

Bakery: still considering

Cleaning person: I’m too slow and you have to bring your own cleaning supplies and my hands will get fucked up (did it before)

Catering: I hate parties Food service, like prep cook: I’m slow, but it’s not ruled out Waitress: I have a bad short term memory and liable to cuss rude customers out (did it before) Work in store/shopper: I’m too slow, and it’s horrible (did it before) Laundry: stinky and doesn’t pay enough OSHA hazard Cleaning a hotel: same

Teaching: make the most money based on my skills, but probably get fired a year into the job (based on my job history so far). too stressful. dead end with no one appreciating the sacrifice. Teachers are hated, especially by their supervisors and often the parents.

Teaching is still on the table

What the fuck else is there????? These jobs aint shit! They are so hard and pay so little.

I can’t work a cash register, I tried that- keeping it balanced is impossible. I can’t do things fast. I can’t maintain silence when disrespected.

I wish I could just get ssi and try to live on it. So sick of needing references. Like, who can i beg to do this for me again Can I bribe someone

Gas station- too unsafe, too strssful, too many disrespectful people Construction- too loud and unsafe, also too hot

Home care aide- still on the table. Just kind of the hardest job in the world for like 15 dollars/hour pre-tax. Also a dead end.

Work at the dollar store- no for same reasons listed earlier.

Work for sanitation services- too dangerous and I’m not heathy enough. I’d fall off the back of the truck and no one ever hear from me again. That job is for big strong fearless dudes. Consequently, garbage collectors get killed at work more often than police officers. I read that fact somewhere.

Babysit- on the table, but it’s so boring and annoying and not paying much unless you drive far to rich neighborhoods.

Recruiter or Money Raiser- I’d rather eat knives

Walk dogs- doesn’t pay enough, too hard Caring for pets whose owners are away I hate other people’s houses I hate other people I don’t hate their cats though

What about scheduler for the hospital? It’s on the table, if I can do it from home.

Mover or packer- too hard, and aint shit if you don’t drive the truck.

Jerome ‘Rome’ turning out poorly

I saw he got outta prison, like a couple months ago, because he made a new music video. Well, I watched it, excited to see that he’s free, and not upstate any more. The video started out with booties, had the booties shakng all through it, like chicks professional twerkin, and like at a house party, with his friends and hookers. But it made me sad. Not on the booties. They probably captured the attention of at least most men who hypothetically watched this video, but I was trying to see Jerome.

You know, maybe he never was special. Maybe I liked him because i projected things onto him.

The video was such a bad look. Throughout the song, he kept a bunch of cash in one hand, and a joint in the other. His hair is like wild dread locks, all type of length and size. At the beginning, he wears glasses that are probably prison issue, but they look nice. Make him look smart. He wears a nice, white outfit, like a big puffy white/gray coat, like they filmed this in winter (despite all women wearing thongs and tank tops), in an empty apartment.

The thing that made me feel sad is, that he just looks like an actor. When one or two booties shaking on either side of him (they had him posed on a bad with big puffy coat and holding money while rapping, it looked ackward like in reality he was annoyed by those booties. The were bouncing and jostling him on the bed, and his energy moved away from the booty that shaked in his ears.

It was weird. I thought, that boy is gay, or just not into these type of girls. So, why does the whole video focus on them? They’re trying to act like… IDK… nothing with any value. Nothing alive. Sad day for rap and for Jerome.

Something didn’t fit, or did I imagine it. Did only I want Jerome to be something more than that. That’s why I sent him books in jail That’s why I went to see him That’s why I liked him but this video was terrible.

Seems like he wants to go the same way as Melly, or Xtentacion, or worse, Von from the O block. I wish I could get my books back though. I sent him 3 books through Barnes and Noble (like the prison demands) of franz fanon, paperback, by first class. And those books disappeared into an abyss with no receipt. And I got taken off the approved visitors’ list.

Then they moved him upstate. But I’m still happy that he’s out. It’s terrible to think of life without comfort, art, quality food, nature, clean facilities, freedom to plan your life, no access to paper or pencils except through prison store alongside that cup of noodles. Seems like Romero (Jerome) jumped right back into the gang life, though. Probably won’t be long out here rolling like that, damn. Liked his underbite-smile and punky attitude.

one of the reason I liked working with criminal kids is because it’s a heart to heart. i understand the rage, and i can be your leader. telling them i can manage mine, until i can’t. ah dammit, some trash came out.

i don’t know why i’m a sociopath. i just know that there’s this weird line. on one side, people who would NEVER do or say X, Y, and Z. and then there’s us, on the other side, whose ears perk up. i’m interested in the things that can’t be said or done. i won’t resist saying and doing it. because of this nihilism and this parody and boredom and irony and suicidal tendencies. i hope somebody says and does it, the undoable, the unsayable. if you do it, if you say it, i’ll laugh, i’ll still love you. so few things make my face go seriously still.

i want to tell you about how my boss is shitty, (it’s their #1 duty, to BE shitty, GREAT JOB, BOSS. you want your boss to be trustworthy WE’RE A FAMILY HERE, HEH HEH HEH if it’s a woman, they really believe it: the family crap if it’s a white woman, she wants to relieve her anxiety so help her or suffer her punishments, her burdens, her rot

she’s pale, she’s weak, she’s in charge. she’s smart, but she’s blinded with bias toward justifying herself. for white women, it’s their feelings versus real thoughts, and if they win, you lose. in their world, anyway.

And she’s feeling angry and self-righteous, warm and liberal How could she and she’ll be sorry and I draw a line right there, you’re outta here, (to me) I’m out I crashed

Her, she’s like most petty tyrants, fancies herself a martyr. Husband doesn’t love her. Son can’t wait to leave her. And she can’t wait for them to leave. So that things can be orderly and proper. And so that people will thank her for holding up the illusion.

A prayer to let me change profession to change my being and existence to something else bread

To give up my degree and experience and walk away feels 30% great

20% sad

but mostly inevitable

to celebrate i’m steady drinking a cocktail with kratom that’s bad i know but the 20% sad is incredibly menacing

i don’t do sad, it’s not safe for me need to keep head up, kopf hoch (german) i want to do a craft, a service that’s needed i want to do women’s work and survive on it

i don’t want to teach in capitalism i present myself, chewed up, spit out like a hairball, or a tonsil lolith stinky, calcium deposits, suicides i don’t want to do it anymore

so i’m just sitting here waiting for them to call and fire me while getting tipsy and high because i intend to not degrade myself with self pity i plan to soldier forward and forgive myself facts i did my best in their world nothing more you can do than that i apologized for my anger to the kids that’s the most i could do, after the fact but no more teaching, while teammates judge me i’ll hermit as much as i can from now on the kids are going to psych wards and prison either way i was just a sometimes sunny dot in there world, but then also a scary dot in their world. i admit it. i retire. i can’t stay calm in some circumstances, like when i’m sick and they’re understaffed, i can’t do it for sure 100% i might crash out again and honestly that’s par for the course, so hopefully everyone forgives me for it. that’s not the real me.

No Place Like Home

Well, I think I’m going to be fired soon, for real. People reported the details of a couple crash-outs, and me being a bitch to kids, or sharp toned. Who knows what all they complained about. Maybe I wasn’t doing a good enough job. But it was my best! Doh!!!

So wth am I going to do? First of all, find a new type of job, but what kind? Would it be possible, one that’s easier for more money? I think I tried teaching enough. But I also got in trouble at other (corporate) types of jobs for being myself. There’s no job like home.

So, there goes that. This is a hard time of year for me, like my mom said. She’s right. It is. I don’t know why. I’ve crashed out at several jobs at this time of year. At least I turned in good reports for them before they let me go. Hopefully they’ll still give me some kind of job reference. Like, hypothetically I’m still fit for other types of jobs, right? What kind, even? I’ve always been desperate, not chosey. I take the first one offered, and settle in a couple weeks after spending 1.5 years at a place, on average. I knew this was would go bad, though. I’m not what people want in a teacher. I’m just a person who’s barely surviving the psychic reality of 2006. Or the physical one. But I was showing up with shit for them to do, and interacting with them all day.

I guess we’ll see. :/

Tiny Victories My Amazon Prime Subscription was up on April 8th I chose to put it on hold I will probably never use it again though after 10+ years Goodbye, Auf Wedersein, Ciao It was so much harder to leave you than you’d think Dear John, I got so many good things from you You’re so convenient for me, shopping was cheaper with your discount of complicity, and I’ll miss that in material ways that I hope are worth it in the bigger picture that includes other people than me, that includes the whole world and an infinite future, where working, participating, and growing food happens locally, and progress happens locally, while peace spreads globally

I have more investments in the big tech and big America to shed More tiny benefits to relinquish Excuses are excuses I can’t because I need this until I don’t need it because I replace it with something local with a human face or faces. I was worshipping the god of convenience but the idol is getting smashed on cheap vodka and whiskey

Cheap friends

Expensive enemies

I might not get the best deals anymore delivered to my door like Santa Clause working year round, but I get to know that I escaped, for now. I escaped part of them, a part of it, despite logic saying, oh hush, the energy centers and slavery will happen no matter what you do Might as well get 30% off, but then my name is on the books.

It’s already on them. I’m already a flawed role model, if anything. I bought and sold and mixed and mingled with the lowest shelf liquors. and I paid for that sin with misery, like Iran said on social media, a living hell What did they mean by that? What do they know about our particular hell and living it? Do they really know or do they bluff? Men don’t know about suffering, they’re bluffing, but they hit the nail on the head with the missle either way, it’s true it’s hell. Never being good enough, rat on a wheel for love.

I did have a magical poem to say in New York and Brooklyn and even way back in college, and it worked for sleep and all kinds of survival, to sum it up you can relax, you can love yourself, you can figure yourself, and accept everything, exactly the way it is JUST LIKE THIS, Not after it resolves or improves, but during it. Not with faith but logic, believing in the science of unconditional love. I repeated that to get through a lot of anxious hours.

does it still work when the problems spread out? Some information got in- about the world- about us and we’re guilty as carnivores eating carcasses and we’re done for, and we did it And we could stop it, but we don’t We say we can’t and someone laughs maniacally and church music starts

It still works It will work in any setting that you need to accept

because even if i run across that border while shots ring out, and i make it, somehow i have to leave people behind and then i have to go back for them so there’s no use waiting until the trouble’s passed to relax, better to sleep here, in the trenches, meter by meter This plan has the longest range, the most control, but there’s nothing else now, at all

I hate to kill in the name of people already elimated but here we are

Goodbye, Google

it has to be done, it has to be done starve them, war of attrition

we go somewhere else we leave our ghosts it has to be done

it can’t be avoided we can’t stay here and we can’t stay there with our old lives our old needs

we have to simply leave them before they kill us and we don’t have weapons we only have to walk away

well, we might have to run and we might have to hide

we just have to rip ourselves free with our minds lose a limb, lose a lip we have to go or die blindly and leave them behind

and leave our old haunts and our networks and doctors and our stores and brands and cars it’s us who has to leave it they won’t leave us they’ll suck our blood dry

the illusion of stuck is real to a horse stuck in the mud no threats or bribes will move her no sweet talk no tug no beg

they’re waiting for us to leave this and we’re saying we can't

Friendly Intruder

I had a sweet dream about you, last night, old man I crept into and onto your porch, I crept into your house cuz I needed to sleep, and it was cold outside, and I laid in the corner and hoped you didn’t hear me come in. Other people showed up, I don’t remember who, could have been family I wasn’t mad at them, but they woke you up and you came out, and found me sleeping on the floor on my coat To just let me rest a little longer, old sir And I’ll hurry on my way as soon as I can, maybe now

I often dream about entering other people’s houses. Sometimes I need a shortcut, and their house is on its path. Sometimes I’m just curious.

What kind of person wouldn’t yell at scream at a stranger who came right into their house to sleep in the entry room? What kind of resigned, gentle soul wouldn’t be afraid of that? In any case, he wasn’t, and I snuggled back down on my coat. If I close my eyes, he can’t see me.

Real Goals for the Rest of My Life

Regain balance and fitness (do physical therapy exercises) Be able to do yoga again Walk without pain or discomfort Have a flat belly again Feel strong

Call mom and dad at least once per week Pay off my (small) loans

That’s it