Nap Full of Dreams
We decided on, faith and mark, because it was our names. It’s not my name anymore, but he’s still Mark. God, if I could do back and re-do things I decided, how fear and stress were driving everything, I would have known, You’re almost there. I gave up on a race that I was about to win. Maybe if my girlfriend didn’t dump me, and maybe if becoming a teacher hadn’t been so awful, I’d still be writing. I mean, here or there, this city or that one, I can write, I could write. Like, I could get healthier in all ways, and make another album. But I wish I’d never gone to graduate school in some ways. Michelle was wrong, when she said I could do that. That fucked up my band trajectory. That gave me an idea of normality that could be had. I had already not chosen that, several times. But I quit band number 1, and I quit faith and mark, and I ran to take a long ass nap.
But I knew it was sad, and a shame, and there might have been another way to chose differently and preserve the things I took decades to set into motion, rather than retiring so early. Trying to have the job I’m supposed to have: the profession I was educated to do: teaching. But I am like the kid in the book Stargirl, they’re just going to hate me either way, I should’ve said fuck it to fitting in all along. Aint no 401k out there for me. I’m supposed to shine til I burn out, properly. And I could still do it. My voice isn’t good anymore, but I could cut down on smoking more, enough to sing a few things, certainly. But if I don’t, that’s okay to. I hope I really get it in the next life. I went at least 70% of the way. But then my girlfriend kicked me out, I bounced living situations, married Jason, rock bottoms, moved here, Jason died, then time flew like a hungry hawk.