Leonardo’s highs and lows: I went to back to the complete old way of bathing. No more scrub in the cheeks with the long handled scrubber. He said, “Yes! Yay! Alright!” and started jumping and stimming. But/And I noticed that his penis got smaller; it rolled in on itself. It retreated from it’s comfortable, mostly retracted but visible position. Why would that make him so happy?? Maybe it’s a guy thing. Maybe he wants to be, or is a girl. And he was like, oh good, my penis went away. You never know. I did honestly feel the regular concern about washing it, but that’s not my battle.
The morning when I got there, I was late (5 min., for the 5 millionth time), and I hadn’t logged out correctly from the time keeping app, and it looked like I tried to steal an hour’s pay, and Tracy told me, We need to be more careful. Then I turned my attention to Leo, and went with him to his room to watch TV. Then 9:15 struck, and I hadn’t set my alarms on the hour for the quarter after, when he takes medication. So looked MORE incompetent, and felt quietly ashamed of myself. Tracy came and said (with the utmost tact and kindness), once again, we need to be more careful. You’re right, fuck, fuck my stupid ass for being in the clouds.
We sat there for awhile in the quiet, finding the Roku remote, and I said to Leonardo, “I feel kind of bad and a little sad. I need to be more careful.” He lit up like a light and started bouncing on the bed, “Yes!” “I had an accident,” I said, and then quote a favorite song from Yo Gabba Gabba, where Muno knocks Fufa’s blocks over: “I’m so, I’m so sorry, I can fix it, I can make it better!” Leo was transcendent. Bouncing, triumphant on his bed. And he said, “You heard me!” Which is an example of him communicating an alternate use of pronouns and identity. He’s referring to other people saying, “You heard me!?” when he shows understanding of conversations that we thought he couldn’t understand. We thought he was just sitting there in la-la-land, but he “heard” everything. I showed with my face that I was in love with the fact that he knew that I knew that he knew I got reprimanded. He’s been reprimanded; everyone in that house has gotten the “You need to be more careful” speech. Tracy almost NEVER makes mistakes. She’s a workaholic, a saint, sexy at 60-some years old. Prettier than me. Size D boobs. Size small waist. Wide legged pants. Business professional attire. Make-up five stars. I love Tracy. Other possible names: Madeline, Anastasia, Giovanna, Calista, Tunisia. I feel like trash next to her, but it’s okay. We’re wearing sweatpants, while she’s wearing couture. But sometimes she also wears sweatpants. Then her husband makes fun of her, but I do believe she’s at his neck now, and he’s paying up. She’s an angel of vengeance. She’s an immortal goddess who speaks real Italian. So I repeated my comments, “I feel bad. I made mistakes. I’m so sorry.” And Leonardo laughed with his head thrown back. He knows wtf I’m talking about. Everyone does. The person telling you in a very fair way that you could do better. You have to! What else is there to do. You need to meet her expectations. And I need to meet his.