Finish The Damn Dialogue
When there’s a conversation happening between parts of yourself, when your mind is processing and stuttering on social propaganda that's beaten into your brain via societal osmosis (i.e. women are sluts, etc.), one option is to develop the conversation enough to beat or kill the voices that are against you.
If one says something like, “See? You’re a junkie, a moron, you have bad judgement, decision making, etc.” …
Those comments make me want to end my efforts.
It’s not even 5-star arguments that win against my basic self esteem, but any 2.5 star comment. “You are prideful and vain,” it might say.
Do I ever argue back? Hardly. “You’re right,” and I’ll drink to that, and I'll stop trying to grow friendships that will just die upon or in the soil of my personality that’s poisoned with pride.”
But you should NEVER stop trying to make friendships.
This morning I thought, while driving to Leo’s house to work for them, loving my dog the way I do (like a loved baby) is the same way I COULD treat myself. And why not? I could focus a loving light on myself the way I create it for my pets, and pet humans.
It would heal me, it would help me grow. It’s the magic, the love. So, do it. Argue back against the voices that degrade me, and all my efforts to live. My sins are petty, not grave. My sins are pride, and fear/disloyalty. My sins can be healed.
They’re not the sins of powerful men, or men with illusions of power. They don’t cause anything but inter/intra-personal shifts/movement/hurt feelings. These are okay sins to have or to do. They are normal for humans. We aren’t born knowing how to communicate.
But we are born primed for love. And we CAN love ourselves, despite EVERYTHING. That’s what I want to do and know— how far would I grow, and heal, if I shone love on myself, and argued back with voices that hate me, that have invaded me, that could be destroyed with one line of logic or another. Talk back to it. As if I’m protecting my pets, my children.